October is Infant and Pregnancy Awareness Month. This year, I’m going to do my best to participate daily in the Capture Your Grief Project. There may be a few days here and there I might miss, but I’ll try to stay caught up. The Capture Your Grief Project is a series of photo prompts, one for each day in October. Last year, I just couldn’t finish it… the grief was still too fresh, too new, for me to do all of it. I’ll still give myself an out if I need it, because as a loss mom, I never really know just how something might impact me until it’s already happening. So, here’s Day 1…..
Day 1: Sunrise Blessing
As the early morning sunlight streams through the trees, illuminating the leaves in greens and yellows, I see that it also gently shines through the hearts hung in honor of my Lucy. I feel closest to her in these quiet few minutes after I awake, listening to my own heartbeat, as the sun casts its light, her light, over everything. Just like the sun, my sweet baby’s light touches everything, guiding me through the day.
#captureyourgrief2017 #whathealsyou #lucyroseslight #infantloss #babylossawareness
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Today’s a good day for me to focus on blessings of ANY kind, because I’ve truly felt like a lost, tired, sad soul this week. Sometimes, the blessings are hard to focus on when it feels as if the universe is trying its best to prevent Chris and me from being happy. It’s so difficult sometimes, and no matter what I do, I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that things are never going to change for the better. Whenever we get to a point that appears to hold hope and promise of new joy, it’s snatched out from under us.
In my family, it’s been a rough week because my Grandma has been ill and in the hospital. One of the blessings I can count is that she’s still here, and has been discharged from the hospital and is getting settled back in at home. BIG blessing!
Unfortunately, the “non-blessings” have been coming in abundance, lately, or so it seems. We spent two days in our house this week thinking that we might be pregnant again. We cautiously embraced the idea, knowing full well that nothing is ever guaranteed, but the possibility was so beautiful, just the same. I believe I may have had another chemical pregnancy, which of course, feels like a swift kick in the gut. Things like this are so hard to bounce right back from, and it feels like we’re being punished with disappointment again and again. So often, I want to ask ‘why?’, but then I know there simply is no reason. After how easily we ended up pregnant with our Lucy, this secondary infertility is perplexing. We’re deciding on our next steps and going from there. We so badly want Lucy to have a little sibling, but it just isn’t happening yet. It continuously adds more dimensions to our grief, and it gets more and more difficult to feel optimistic about anything. Everything is an uphill climb, and nothing comes easily for us lately. I’m hoping to start seeing more blessings in our lives, so I’m doing my best to intentionally look for them. The light is always there, it’s just hard to see sometimes.