This journey is so full of contradictions and complexities. It’s getting difficult to document any of it because my brain is so full of mist and overwhelming thought; that, coupled with the chaos of teacher life in May, leaves little energy to write. Most days are good now, with small bursts  of grief and fear intermixed. I make no implications that it’s been easy, but at least it’s been manageable.

I’ve wrestled with whether or not to write about this topic, but I think I’ve decided to go ahead with it. While the decision to do what I’m about to write about may come with some criticism or skepticism, I think it’s important to share with other women in my situation so they can add my experience to their wealth of knowledge on how to cope with pregnancy after traumatic loss. A couple of months ago, the anxiety of what could go wrong with our little rainbow was becoming incredibly difficult for me to handle. On top of that, I was experiencing additional work stress. I wasn’t coping well; in fact, I was a mess. Getting through each day felt like a monumental task, and I could feel myself slipping into the familiar depression I’ve experienced so often since losing Lucy. I wasn’t snapping out of it. Chris noticed that I was returning to my “dark place”, as we call it. I couldn’t see how I was going to make it to the end of the school year, let alone to the end of this rainbow pregnancy without losing myself. My stress levels were through the roof, and I was battling with anxiety over the simplest of things, both at home and at work. So, I made the decision to speak with my doctors about anxiety medication.

From the beginning, my doctors have said that if I feel like I can’t handle the overwhelming anxiety that inevitably comes along with pregnancy after loss, I need to speak up. It isn’t something to be ashamed of, it simply goes with the territory. Something my doc told me at my first Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment stands out to me, and I think it’s worth sharing. He said that many women often feel that they need to just ‘suck it up’ and be tough through pregnancy. We want to be strong. I think this is even more true with PAL moms. We feel that the aches, pains, and difficulties of pregnancy are simply to be expected, and that we’ve no right to complain or ask for help for fear of coming across as ungrateful. I believe this is so true in my case. I’ve wished so much over the past year just to make it back to pregnancy and begin the journey again, and I’m fearful of seeming weak now that I have what I’ve wanted so desperately. But- I had to be honest with myself– in doing that, I was breaking myself down, and finding that the strength I’d wanted to embrace was dwindling because I was being so hard on myself. I wasn’t doing okay. I needed some help.

My doctors reassured me that the potential risks of letting stress and anxiety go unmanaged through a pregnancy could potentially have a negative impact on a developing baby, more so than what a low dose of anti-anxiety medication could possibly have. I was scared. I was afraid to take any unnecessary medications into my system, but I also knew that I was starting to spiral out of control emotionally. I was also reassured that the particular anti-anxiety med they were prescribing has been used for long enough to have many long-term studies done, all of which indicated what they’d already told me: that their potential for harm to a developing baby is less than what the unmanaged anxiety might do. With a lot of hesitation, fear, and apprehension, I agreed to get the script filled. I was an absolute wreck when I took the first dose. But gradually, over the course of a couple of weeks, I felt that overwhelming heaviness of the fear and anxiety slowly drop away. This isn’t to say that I don’t still feel paralyzed by fear and anxiety ever, because I still do, but I am much better at being able to rationalize and calm myself down. It has helped me manage the lows and keep myself going.

Pregnancy after loss is a difficult experience, and I don’t think most people can imagine what it’s like on any level unless they’ve lived through it themselves. While it is beautiful and filled with hope, it’s also terrifying and extremely hard at times. Irrational fears, legitimate worries, worst-case scenario imaginings… it’s all part of the daily game. Truthfully, it’s about survival. Surviving, and hoping against all odds that that our arms won’t be empty when we return home from the hospital this time. At any given moment, I truly am trying to do what’s best for this little rainbow baby, even if it’s hard to understand why I’m doing something the way I do. I’ve also been reminded by both my therapist and my doctors that doing what’s best for my baby also includes doing what’s best for me. That’s actually tough advice to take sometimes, but there’s no denying that self-care is so important, especially at a time like this.

And so, I’m okay with my decision to take anti-anxiety medication through this pregnancy. It was a tough one to make, but there is a positive difference. I’m not in a constant state of panic anymore and I’ve found more optimism to embrace along the way. I’m surviving.

To my fellow PAL moms: each of us must find our own ways to navigate pregnancy after loss. It’s an individual journey, filled with unknowns. There are countless ways to manage our anxieties, and we all need to make sure we’re choosing the best ways to do that for ourselves. There are so many options; anti-anxiety medication is just one of them. There’s no doubt that we’re all looking out for our babies’ best interests first and foremost. Don’t focus on how you may be judged for making the choices that are best for you and your baby, because this is your journey. Anyone who criticizes you or feels entitled to share their opinions about how you do this can’t possibly have a true understanding of what you’re going through. This journey is not for the weak, and it’s not all smiles and happiness either. You keep doing you, and give yourself some grace every now and then. Do what you need to do to survive and thrive through this difficult journey and make no apologies about it.