I’ve been having a hard time lately. We’ve been having a hard time lately. Coping with grief and dealing with disappointment on top of grief is so difficult. It’s hard for Chris and I to keep our chins up… we haven’t been dealing well with getting bad news each month. “More of the same” is a common phrase in our house, one we used to say in conjunction with the long winter parts of the school year (sort of like a “Groundhog’s Day” film reference, you know, the same day repeating over and over again…), but now, it’s used to describe our lives entirely. Only it isn’t funny anymore.
I’m starting to worry that there’s something wrong, starting to wonder if we’re not meant to have another pregnancy. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be thinking so “irrationally”, but the hope is running out. We’ve become conditioned to accept disappointment, and let’s face it, to expect the worst. It feels like I am completely out of control of everything in my life. I’m tired of feeling like I’m just a passenger on a runaway bus. From my job to my fertility (or lack thereof) to my sleeping habits to my entire life in general, I feel completely out of control. I don’t know how to feel better about any of it right now. I hate this existence. Grief touches all corners of my life, and it’s killed my motivation, my drive, my give-a-damn. I feel like a prisoner in my own life.
I miss Lucy, and lately, I feel so far away from her and that scares me. It’s hard to articulate how I’m feeling– I’ve had a serious case of writer’s block. I just don’t know how to say what I need to say. I barely made my deadline for writing my Still Standing article due out on the 12th, and even after finishing it, I am intensely self-conscious about it. I’ve been doubting myself, and I don’t know how to regain trust in myself. I am a lost soul these days.
I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning; my first thought was, “My life is legitimately a living hell”. I feel guilty for saying that, I do, but I just don’t know when it’s supposed to get better. I am so blessed in so many ways- I know this- but I am barely getting by. I thank my lucky stars daily for my husband… without him, I wouldn’t have survived this grief, no way. He’s been picking me up and pushing me through, loving me when I cannot love myself. I can’t imagine my life without him. I just wish I could be stronger for him so he wouldn’t have to carry so much of this burden. I keep trying to center my thoughts on how much I love Chris and Lucy, and it’s what makes me capable of surviving each day.
The holiday season is making things much more difficult… I can’t stand the idea of another Christmas without Lucy, but I have no choice but to deal with it. We did get a tree for her again; I love sitting in the glow of the tree lights, thinking of her. Mostly, I try to imagine all of the memories we should be making now.
But mostly, I’m just sad.
