8/24/16
My dearest Lucy,
Today I miss you more than ever. You are still the light of my life, and I will always love you with my whole heart. I can’t believe that this nightmare is real, and that you aren’t here with us to celebrate that you’d be two weeks old today. We had so many plans, so many things we were going to share. I’d give anything to trade places with you still, and it’s hard to accept that there was simply no choice in the matter. You were taken from us, and it just isn’t fair. For nine months, I felt your beautiful presence within my body, and for nine wonderful months, I cherished your every movement, every little hiccup, and even those hard kicks and somersaults after dinner time. How could we have known that it would end this way? I keep trying to tell myself to be strong for you… I remind myself a thousand times a day, in those moments when I just want to crumble into dust because of the pain I feel from losing you, that I still want to make you proud. In those moments, I try my best to pick myself up and show you how I can be strong, because that’s what I’d want to teach you about how to handle the worst that life can bring. Today it’s been hard to do that, but I will keep trying for you, my precious girl. As much pain as I feel, I also feel a love for you that is beyond measure, that fills my whole being with light. I would rather have you here with me physically, but know that you are always, always in my heart, every moment of each day, and that you will always be part of me. I love you and I miss you, sweet girl.
-Mommy
…
Today we should be celebrating that our little Lucy is two weeks old. Instead, we are planning the details of her memorial open house. How cruel life is right now. This morning, I went out to get our mail, and another harsh reminder lay waiting for me in the mailbox… a sample box of formula. I didn’t want to crumble in front of the neighbors (though any of them would have understood, I’m sure), so I waited until the box was safely in the trash can and I was in the house before letting my sorrow pour down my face as I sobbed for my baby girl. One blessing was in the mail though- a brief sympathy card from our mailman. I was relieved to know that whenever he dropped the next package off at the door that Chris or I would not have to face the question, “How’s the new baby?”. I am thankful that someone else told him our awful story so we wouldn’t have to.

This afternoon, I was at a Michael’s store, to pick up some odds and ends for the little keepsakes I’m making for Lucy’s memorial, and the store was naturally filled with lovely pregnant women and little children. I won’t lie and say that I’m not jealous, angry, or in extreme anguish when I see these things… It is so much harder than I thought it could be to see such life surrounding me. Inside my head, I am screaming and seething, and all I think about is getting the hell out of the scene I’ve found myself in, and ache to hold my little girl. It is so damn hard to keep it together any time I’ve ventured out in to public since this happened. The vulnerability I feel is absolutely overwhelming. If not for Chris, I don’t think I’d get out of bed in the morning… he is my rock, he keeps me going. He is stronger than I am right now, though this has been as much hell for him as has been for me. He continues to tell me that he knows that I have constant physical reminders of our loss and post-partum hormones that simply won’t allow me to find any escape from this. I am so thankful that he understands. He has his many household projects and I am still healing from the C-section; I’ll feel a little better when I can move like myself again. One thing this has made me realize is that our marriage is strong, and we can get through anything together. I know we will take turns being each others’ strength on this journey. Together, we continue to try to look forward and hope that maybe we will have the opportunity again to share our love with a child of our own… I just wish it had been this child. I know that in spite of the sorrow we feel, there is more love.