There is no escaping the fact that this journey of grief is made up of wave after wave of varying levels of anguish. The fact that this is still only the beginning of the journey sometimes overwhelms me into wishing time away, ahead into the future so it won’t ache and hurt so much. I know missing Lucy and thinking about this tragedy that’s been unleashed on my husband and me is never going to be easy, but it will become more manageable with time. Time heals all things, so they say, but I don’t know if it’s true in this case. How could it be, when part of me feels as though it died with our little girl?

Riding the waves over the past few days has been a challenge, and there are more triggers than I’d ever imagined there could be. A box of diapers in an unexpected place. Taking my poor husband to the ER with a scratch on his cornea and suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the idea of being back in a hospital so soon. A thoughtful gift from a loving aunt. The gratefulness felt when my mom and two of her dear sisters cleaned our home for us. Working on Lucy’s memorial keepsakes. The tenderness that still surrounds my C-section incision. Leaking the milk I’ll never be able to feed our baby. The kindness of a former student working at Walgreens who paid for my Lucy photos, because I’ve “always taken care of my students when they were having a tough time”. Seeing a toddler dance around a store aisle. The sunlight shining in through Lucy’s nursery window, though I cannot bring myself to shut the door. Hearing the Lumineers song “Ho Hey”, which I would sing for Lucy when I was pregnant… “I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart… So, so many emotional triggers. I miss her so much, every moment of the day, every moment I’m awake, every moment in my dreams.

I will continue to try braving these waters of grief, even on the days I don’t want to get out bed, because I still believe that I need to make my daughter proud. I get out of bed for my husband, for our dog, for myself, for our Lucy. I know eventually we will make it through this fog and find our happy again, though we won’t ever be the same.