My dearest Lucy,
Today, like every other day since you’ve been gone, I woke up thinking of you. This morning, I thought again about how beautiful you are, and how you somehow encompassed both of your Daddy and my characteristics. You had the little crinkle that I have at the top of my ear, my nose, and even seemed to have the same look about you when your eyes are closed. Oh how I wish with all of my might that I could have seen your lovely eyes. You had your Daddy’s long legs and darker hair with waves like his. Somehow you were the perfect combination of the two of us. We created you out of our love, so I guess it only makes sense. At your memorial gathering on Sunday, everyone had a chance to see your photo, and everyone commented on just how beautiful you were. I know that you would have been just as beautiful on the inside. It crushes me that your daddy and I will never get to know the person you were going to become. We had so many hopes and dreams for you, little one.

I’ve also found myself thinking a lot today about our time together during pregnancy… I smile when I think about knowing where your little tush was sitting, just to the right of my belly button, and I would gently pat it. I know you felt it. I miss how after dinner you were always so active, kicking and rolling, doing your little somersault routine… I always loved feeling you moving within me, reassuring me that you were there, growing beautifully. And grow beautifully you did.

I want to share with you the first moments I ever knew you existed. We wanted you so much. I woke up early that Sunday morning feeling for some reason that I needed to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think that it was really possible that we were pregnant with you yet, but somehow, as I sat there in my early morning fog in our bathroom, when I looked at the test stick, it was blinking the word ‘yes’. A thrill went through me, almost like an electrical static surging, and in those moments, I knew sheer happiness. I couldn’t stop smiling, and my eyes wouldn’t stop dropping happy tears. I couldn’t wait to tell your Daddy. I collected myself and climbed back into our warm bed and woke him up. I said, “Hey can you look at something for me?”, and handed him the test. He was confused for a few seconds, and suddenly it dawned on him that you existed, that we were going to be parents. I think he was scared and oh so happy all at once. See, your wonderful daddy was worried about being a good dad… he wanted to be the very best one that he could to you. I knew all along that of course he would be an amazing father. In fact, my heart smiled every time I thought about just how lucky you were to have a dad like him. He is an incredible man, and I know he loves you so much. I think you would have been a Daddy’s Girl for sure, and I always thought about how wonderful that would be. Oh sweet girl, it was going to be a wonderful life. I am so sorry baby that it didn’t work out that way.

I would do it all over again though Lucy, just to be with you, to spend that time with you. Even though you are not physically here, I still feel you with me all of the time. Your name, “Lucille” means ‘light’, and honey you are the light of my life. I think that’s why I love light so much these days. I keep turning them on in the house, because somehow it makes me feel like I’m surrounded by you. The sun streaming in through the skylights, the shining late-Summer skies outside… it all makes me feel your presence more clearly. You are the light and the love that I will always carry within me, and I promise to never let that fade. I wish you were here celebrating with me your third week of life, growing and learning about the world around you. I often look down at my chest and belly and imagine you are there, snuggled against me, where you should be. It hurts so much that you aren’t. I am trying to be strong for you my sweet, I’m trying so hard. I know my love for you will never stop growing little one… I love you so much. You are in my heart every moment of every day.

Love,
Mommy