Grief is ugly. It’s messy. It opens your eyes to the things that in the past you chose to keep blinders over. It enriches the colors you see, the sensations you feel, the emotions you feel. It shows you the ugliness and the beauty of the world simultaneously. I have realized in this journey that grief is not a linear process. It is so much more complicated than I’d ever imagined. There are ups and downs, victories and disappointments, good days and bad days– the paradoxes I find myself living in cannot be avoided. It all happens simultaneously, and often makes me feel like I am living in my own personal hell. One thing I’ve also come to understand is that being truly, blatantly honest as a bereaved mother is tough, yet necessary. Those I’m closest to need to understand where I’m at, what I’m feeling, what I need, what I’m thinking; the only way to do that is through honesty. However, for those I am closest to, it may be difficult to hear what I must express. Things get truly messy. I have had to have more than one raw, ugly, difficult conversation with more than one person I love in the past week; I am left immediately afterward feeling more vulnerable, unsettled, and guilty. It’s so uncomfortable, and the first thing I want to do is regret my honesty… however, I know that sugarcoating, denying, or avoiding the truth only leaves me stunted in the grief journey. In order to let the light in, I must let the darkness out. For that, I cannot allow myself to be sorry. The time to live is now, the time to be REAL is now. It will never be my motive to hurt those I love, but I also cannot hide from my true feelings. I’m not the same person I was before, there’s no getting around that. I can’t be the meek, mild, scared-to-say-anything person that I once was. Perhaps being real and raw is one way to let the light in. Maybe I’m more me now than I ever was before. Grief can put a mirror up to your face, make you see who you really are, for better and for worse. I am trying my damndest to let the light in, to still be a good person… hell, to be a better person than I was before. It’s scary and it’s hard. I know I cannot control what other people do, say, or think, I can only control what I do and how I behave… have I done everything right since Lucy passed away? No, I’m sure I haven’t, but is there really a right way to grieve? What I do know is that losing Lucy has been the most painful, catastrophic event of my life. After surviving this, nothing will be as difficult. I know that I am better for having loved that beautiful baby, and that I will never, ever be the same, whether others can handle that or not. Letting the light into my heart is so crucial right now… if I allow that to stop happening, I will most definitely be doomed to a life of darkness and sadness. Letting the light in is messy…