I’ve lost my sparkle. It’s been extinguished. I have never felt so apathetic in my life… I don’t care about much of anything. I guess I thought my return to work would bring some kind of happy feeling back into my life, and it turns out, I’m coming up short. It’s been good to see my students and a few of my colleagues, but really, all I find myself doing is faking smiles and feeling tired. I’m going through the motions; it’s like I never left. It’s only day four and I feel like I’ve been here since the first day of school. I’m cynical, sad, and unmotivated. I’ve become a very talented actress this week and I think people even believe me when I say, “It’s good to be back.” The wind has simply gone out of my sails. I feel a weariness in my bones and I ache all over. I hope I can keep up the charade, especially for the rest of this evening, since I’m technically at parent teacher conferences. Shame on me right, I’m blogging while on duty and I don’t even feel remotely guilty. It’s a slow afternoon so far anyway.

One of the things that has snuck up on me is the despair I’ve been feeling after interacting with some of my students… some of them are truly awesome young people, and the realization hits me continuously that we will never get to know our daughter in that stage of life, or ANY stage. It hurts. Do their parents know how lucky they are? It isn’t fair.

Added to all of that is the fact that Lucy would be three months old today. Another milestone never met. I think it’s safe to say I’m depressed. Once again, I marvel at how the world just continues turning and time keeps moving forward in spite of the fact that Lucy isn’t here.