This past week has been a jumbled, emotional rollercoaster. I have found all too quickly that juggling work and feeling the full weight of grief is some pretty strenuous work. I leave work feeling absolutely exhausted (and often a little discouraged about life in general); all I want to do is go home, climb in bed, and shut out the rest of the world. The constant interaction with others all day long is so very tiresome. I haven’t been able to set aside any exclusive time to spend with grief and thoughts of Lucy, which seems to be making my emotional state weaker and much more vulnerable. It’s already always bubbling beneath the surface and now not having a convenient way to release it is taking its toll.

After seeing my therapist yesterday, I realize how important it is to carve out some time, even if only in very short intervals, to spend with Lucy somehow. Balancing all of the demands of teaching is hard already, but to add on top of that the missing of Lucy and having few ways to express that, and no private place to retreat to during the day, is so trying. It even feels like the time at home, in my safe zone, hasn’t allowed for me to do what I need to do to continue processing. The days are so short now, and are only growing shorter (it’s dark at an impossibly early time now- sigh), so a rushed walk with the dog is actually a luxury. By the time I get back from that, if I haven’t stayed too late at work, Chris is often working on some house project, so I like to try to compensate by getting dinner ready. As soon as we finish dinner, get things cleaned up, and get stuff ready for work the next day, it’s time to crash into bed and I’ve had no time to do anything healing in the least bit. I have felt so truly depressed lately, and it doesn’t show many signs of getting better in the immediate future. The sudden cold snap, new fallen snow, and holiday season are NOT helping. My students and so many others around me are getting excited about the holidays, and all I want to do is press a fast forward button so they’ll be over with.

I should be proud of myself though, as I’ve only had one emotional meltdown at work, and at least it was on my planning hour. I think my greatest fear is having a meltdown I can’t bounce back from right away while at school, or worse, one in the middle of class. I don’t think it’s going to happen, but my threshold for stress isn’t where it used to be, and when I get flustered, I have a tough time coming back down and I start screwing things up. I do have a great group of students, and mostly things are fine, but there’s just. so. much. to. do. In my head, I feel like I’m failing at every turn. I know this is not true, and that it really does look like I have a handle on things, but inside I’m in a screaming panic the majority of the time I’m in the classroom. I am working on deep breathing when things get to be too heavy or I start feeling the panic of impending failure, or emotional meltdown. It seems to be helping me get a grip. I keep telling myself that I’m getting through one minute at a time… and that a lot of little things just don’t matter. I’m doing my best to leave work at work when I can, and I keep trying to remember that no matter what, I always get it all done. And that it’s going to be okay.

Yesterday was Lucy’s alleged conception date, one year ago. She has existed for one year. And, today marks 101 days that she’s been gone. One year of loving her with my whole being, and over 100 days of aching for her with my shattered heart. I found myself in a moment of hurt on Friday at school, and randomly grabbed a file from a folder attached to my bulletin board, and stuck to the bottom of it was a photograph of a butterfly. I remember having received the photo from our former custodian like two years ago, but I definitely don’t remember how on earth it ended up there. It was exactly what I needed right at that moment though, and I thanked my sweet Lucy out loud and couldn’t help but feel a little better. She shows up every now and again in the sweetest, most unexpected ways. At least I have that.

The butterfly photo that just happened to appear at just the right moment…