Just taking a few minutes here and there for reflection is helping me tremendously. Sadness is still my companion through nearly every moment of the day, but when I try to focus on something good, it’s more tolerable. I am trying to be mindful about where my thoughts lead, and if they’re going to a dark, negative place, I can at least be aware and try to divert my brain to something more positive. This isn’t always an easy or even possible task, but it helps a little. I know that the next month or so is going to be difficult… Christmas is going to be absolutely heart-wrenching without Lucy, and I am going to struggle with staying positive. But- I will continue to try and do my best not to sink into a black hole for too long. I am trying to let my hope stay afloat; clinging to that hope is the only thing that’s going to get me through.

I’m trying to gear up and feel mentally ready for the week ahead. Sunday nights usually seem daunting because let’s face it, I’m a teacher, and often, this job is damn hard. I am doing everything in my power while at work to be a positive role model for my students, but it is absolutely exhausting. I really feel like I have to psyche myself up in order to even believe that I can pull off the act for another five days in a row. It’s so tough to do that while feeling the absence of Lucy at the same time. But, like everything else in this grief journey, I somehow manage to do it. I’m thankful for my resiliency and ability to keep moving when so often I just want to crumble. I am also SO very thankful that I have an understanding, compassionate partner in Chris. He lifts me up and keeps me going, holds me when I need to cry, and for that I am grateful beyond measure. Without him, it would be insanely hard to find motivation or purpose of any kind.

I feel so much better after having been able to spend time in reflection this weekend. It was necessary, and now I think that I can make it through another week of obstacles. I feel a little closer to Lucy, which makes my heart feel much less lonely. I am choosing love this week… I am choosing hope.

I miss you, sweet Lucy girl… I will keep trying to set a good example for you this week. I will focus on how much I love you; I love you to the moon and back, and back again.