This week, I’ve been having a hard time with words. Sometimes there just aren’t any. When I’m talking, I feel as though I’m forcing the words out of my mouth. When words do come, I’m fumbling with them and verbally tripping all over myself. I can’t get them out. Even writing has been tough. Normally, written expression is easy for me, but I feel stunted this week for some reason. It has been 17 weeks since losing Lucy. Sometimes, I don’t know how I’ve survived every day of that. All I can think of is her and how much we are missing. As Christmas creeps closer, I continue to become more somber and the lack of words keeps on. I feel as though I’m wrapped in a blanket of sadness, and though I try to keep hope and light in front of everything, I’m just having a hard time. My body aches everywhere, my back is in knots, and there’s a constant lump in my throat. I can’t help but think continuously about what I should be doing with my baby daughter right now and of how beautifully she would be growing. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still see her peaceful, angelic little face, feel the wonderful weight of her in my arms. We didn’t get to hold her for long enough. I suppose no amount of time would have truly been enough. Instead of feeling the joy of Lucy’s first Christmas, a blankness consumes me. I know my life still holds meaning and promise, but right now I just feel SO SAD. So heartbroken. The ache is always there, no matter what I’m doing. And that’s all I have to say today… I’m so sad, and I miss my baby girl so much.