Today Lucy would have been twenty weeks old. That is half the amount of time that she existed here with us. It’s hard to believe. August seems like it was just yesterday, yet here we are, seemingly miles away from it. How time passes in the blink of an eye. Thinking back on our time with her at twenty weeks, the world was full of possibility… we were days away from finding out if we were having a boy or girl, though I had every sneaking suspicion that she was indeed a little girl. We were so elated to learn more about the little person she was going to be someday. It was a lovely time… so promising, so beautiful. I will always cherish our moments together, always. Our memories with her are all so happy, so precious.
Christmas was a dark day for Chris and me… I think that’s all I can really say about it. I woke up feeling absolutely crushed and heartbroken, and went to bed in the same frame of mind. It hurt to breathe all day. To sum it up simply, it really sucked.
Lucy is always on my mind. I was at the store yesterday and saw some clearance items on an endcap and sitting there was a stack of blocks painted with the phrase, “Love You to the Moon and Back”. It was shouting at me to pick it up, to buy it for Lucy, so I did. I put it next to her little urn, along with a heart stone when I got home. It just seemed right. A little twenty week present, I guess. When we take her tree down, I plan to put a couple of her butterflies along with those things, just because. I wish with all of my heart that I could do more, that instead of buying things to honor her memory, I could be just be getting things for her to use, wear, or play with. In my parallel universe, I suppose I am. It is a comfort to me at least to pick up things for her here and there, though nothing will ever truly be enough. I miss her SO much. I wish my Lucy were HERE. In many ways, I know she is, but once again, the feeling of knowing that she will be in my heart and memories only (well, and of course in the hearts and memories of others too) instead of physically here to live a happy life, well, it kills me. It’s so unfair. The passage of time has made me able to function and live in a somewhat normal way (the ‘new normal’, which truly isn’t normal at all…), and even feel moments of happiness, but it will never change the fierce love I have for her. It will never tarnish that.
This week I have been particularly thankful for Chris and Waggs. Without the two of them, my life would be so bleak. I can’t say enough how much love and admiration I have for Chris, and Waggs has been our constant sunshine. She is definitely my therapy dog, and very good at her job. She has been my furry little savior, and I know Lucy would have just loved her pup. Waggs has certainly helped me through this journey, and I can’t imagine how our home would have been without her here through this grief. Our animals know our hearts better than we do, I think.
Happy Twenty Weeks, beautiful Lucy. I love you so much, baby girl.
A happy me at Lucy’s twentieth week milestone… it was all so wonderful, and we were so happy and full of hope…