My dear Lucy,

Hey little one, it’s been a crazy week with exams and all, and grades are due… it feels like I just haven’t had enough time to spend with you. It’s hard not to think about the idea that if you were here, we’d be gearing up for a major change come Monday. I’d be going back to work, and you’d be spending time with some other adult while Mommy and Daddy were gone for much of the day. In that alternate universe in my mind where we’re together, I know I’d be on pins and needles right about now, stressing about how your days would go, and wondering how I’d get through all of mine without spending the same precious time with you. Would I have ever truly known just how precious that time may have been? Could I have ever guessed what it would really be like to be separated from you with no end to that time in sight? Never. Never in a million years, my sweet baby. Being separated from you for the rest of my days is like some hellish prison sentence, and so often, I wonder if I am paying penance for something I did. I can’t think of anything I’ve done, in this life or even some other, that would warrant such a torturous sentence. Being away from you is the worst punishment I could have ever fathomed. I miss you with all of my being. All of my heart. It’s getting to where I’m feeling ‘okay’ a bigger portion of the time, but when the missing of you kicks in at full force, I am left an empty shell once again. It’s hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to BE. There isn’t a minute that ticks by when you do not appear in my thoughts. There are reminders of you everywhere, and lately, even more reminders that you aren’t here. You’d be 24 weeks now… nearly six months old. How beautiful and full of life you’d be. My heart swells with pride and fractures into countless pieces all at once at the thought of it. The clothes still hanging so quietly in your closet would be long outgrown by now, especially since you were such a big beautiful girl when you were born. I can’t bring myself to put them away yet. The day is winding down to a close now, and I should get to bed; I look forward to falling into my dreams each night in hopes that I will see you there. I miss you so much it hurts, always. You are my little light that keeps me going, that keeps me trying. You are so loved, so very loved. I love you so much, my sweet Lucy.

Love always and always,
Mommy