My sweet Lucy,

Nine months. Each monthly milestone seems to get more difficult for me to handle. If you’re anywhere near, you already know that your Mommy is a train wreck today. My patience has been thin, my teaching abilities terrible, and my coping skills nonexistent. I can’t stop thinking about you and how things are supposed to be. I don’t feel like I can do anything right, and I’m so afraid I’ve fallen short of making you proud. I miss you so much, and it hurts all the time. Everything hurts without you. I keep searching for signs of you, and I worry that I am overlooking some of them because life has gotten unpleasantly busy these days. Being a teacher has made it so tough for me to be the Mommy I want to be to you; I am sure that this probably would have been the case had you been able to stay with us, so I try not to be too hard on myself. Sometimes getting out of the bed in the morning, knowing that you’re not here for me to snuggle or care for, is the hardest thing. I am not always sure I can do it, but somehow I do. You are always with me, and my love for you keeps me going, even when I want so badly to quit. I wish I could say to you all of the things I truly need and want to say, but it’s been impossible for me to put it all into words. I’ve been in a lot of pain without you lately, and I’m having a hard time carrying on. You are missing from me, and I don’t believe I will ever be whole again. I wish you were here, I wish things were different, I wish I could hold you, I wish I could see you, I wish I could be with you, I wish you didn’t have to die. Mostly, I just wish for you. Nothing is quite right without you, sweetheart. I love you more every day, and I promise to keep going for you. I promise that you will always be present in my life. I miss you. I love you.

You are mine and I am yours. Always.

Love you forever,
Mommy