One thing has not changed a bit since we lost Lucy. That thing is disappointment. Obviously, losing Lucy was the hardest, most crushing disappointment of our lives. The weight of the disappointment that comes from knowing we will miss everything with our daughter is excruciating to deal with it on its own. The other repetitive disappointment we’re facing is our trying to conceive journey. Chris and I are desperate to become second-time parents to another child; it’s the only thing that allows us to look ahead to the future. We keep trying to remain hopeful and optimistic, but all we get is more of the same. More disappointment.

Month after month, I’ve come to simply expect that we will again be disappointed with another negative pregnancy test. I’ve gotten tired of squinting and looking in vain for a phantom line that could be there or not be there. I’ve gotten used to the sinking feeling that comes with seeing red yet again, signaling the start of yet another ttc cycle. I realize that putting expectations, like hoping to conceive again, into the universe is only making this more difficult and disappointing each month, but when you’ve been through something like we have, it’s the only thing that helps us see beyond the wall of grief. I keep trying to tell myself to have patience, to “relax”… others keep implying these things, so I guess I’m trying those thought processes out for myself. So far, it isn’t working any better for me in my self-talk than it does when other people say those things because they don’t know what to say. I guess I just don’t even know what to say about it anymore. I want to “move forward” and stop living my life in two week increments, but it’s next to impossible. We’re coming up on nearly a year here… and all we have to show for it is more of the same.

Another part of this that’s difficult is the question, “Are you thinking of trying for another baby?”. As if we haven’t thought of this novel idea yet. Enough time has passed so people naturally start wondering this, and I do know that they never ask with negative intent, but to have that question posed more and more frequently only adds to my frustration that we just haven’t been able to get there yet. It’s just one of those little things that rubs salt in an already festering wound. Again, more of the same.

I did not splinter to pieces this month, because honestly, I expected another negative outcome. It’s hard to anticipate anything else right now, because all we’ve acquired is disappointment. It feels like defeat. I’m fighting more cynicism, sarcasm, and irritation along with this frustration. I don’t want to be that person… I still want to become better, not bitter. SO, I’m doing my best to just accept that “more of the same” is where we’re at right now. I will attempt to maintain some positivity and optimism as I look ahead to another two week increment, but it’s more difficult to resist becoming totally jaded with each month that passes by. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from losing Lucy is that we simply cannot control what happens. The same is true for trying to conceive Lucy’s sibling- we can’t control when it happens, no matter how much we try. It must happen when it happens. It’s tough to let it all just flow, when so much has been taken from us already. But, I’m accepting that I really just don’t have a say or a choice in that aspect of our TTC journey. My plan this month is to focus on myself. I am still my own worst enemy but now it’s time to spend more energy on becoming my own best friend again. Maybe if I do that, it will be less of the same and more goodness instead. Lucy’s light continues to work its way into my life more all the time. I suppose it’s time to pay more attention to it, to let it help me become better, even through further disappointment.

A common sight in our trying to conceive journey… more of the same…