My Dearest Lucy,

How can this be? The passage of time is truly unreal… you should be eleven months old today. We should be planning your first birthday party, sending out cutesy invites, deciding what kind of smash cake you’ll be digging into, taking “I’m ONE!” photos, and marveling at how much your vibrant smiles and giggles have changed our lives, that our sweet big girl is soon turning a year old, moving quickly and bittersweetly into toddlerhood. I remember thinking, before you were born, that the quick passage of time would be the hardest thing to deal with as a parent. I was saddened and warmed at the same time at the thought that our baby would only be a baby for so long, that those milestones and moments would happen but once in a lifetime. I was so afraid of missing any of it……. now I am missing ALL of it. It’s not supposed to be this way.

Here, on your eleven month day, my heart is calling out to you, screaming your name, still desperately wishing this were nothing but a terrible nightmare. Instead, our house lacks your squeals and laughter, and is filled only with sadness and the sound of my sobs when it’s just me alone with my thoughts. I’m trying to hard not to be angry, but sometimes I can’t help it. I am angry that we cannot be together, I am angry that we were all robbed of our happiness, that you were so unfairly ripped away from us. No matter how hard I try, I still can’t make any sense of it. I think I miss you more every single day, though how it’s possible to miss you even more than I already do, I’m not sure.

Maybe you already know all of this. The other day, I felt that it was you in that little butterfly that visited me. My heart is sure it was you somehow, trying to let me know that it’s going to be okay someday, and that you’re still with me in whichever ways you can be. I’ve never had a butterfly land on me before, let alone walk all over me, brushing my arm with butterfly kisses… when I was able to hold it in my hands, I felt certain that your energy was within it. Thank you for giving me a chance to really say to you what I needed to say, out loud. Thank you for finding a way to physically spend a little time with me. It was beautiful, and then, you were gone again, just like that. Just like the gentle way you came into our lives to begin with, and then so peacefully and quietly exited. I was comforted by the presence of that butterfly (by your presence), but when it was gone, I missed you even more. It’s just so hard to have you missing from me, Lucy… I miss you so much. Time has not lessened my longing for you, only increased it. I’ll always miss you.

I’m doing what I can to keep living, to keep moving forward. You are at the center of everything, even though we aren’t together, and I still want to be a Mommy that you can be proud of. I just hope you know how much you are loved, wherever you are, and that you’ll keep coming back to see me when you can. Your light is what keeps me going, sweet girl. I love you.

Love always and forever,
Mommy