Lucy’s first birthday is less than three days away… how can it have been a year already? As Thursday approaches, I feel the renewed sorrow and fear creeping in. I am depressed, irritable, tired, discouraged. The sadness and anger keep coming in separate waves, though sometimes crash over me at the same time. This is so hard. I can’t escape; all of my thoughts are consumed by missing her. It hurts so much.
Chris and I have both been feeling the stress of what this week brings. I know his birthday yesterday was particularly hard for him. Deep down, we’d both hoped that maybe this month would have brought a birthday gift for him and Lucy… but no such luck. Right now, we’re just immersed in the hurt of it all, wishing that instead of a quiet household, that our little one-year-old would be causing a joyful ruckus. The pain is pretty raw right now.
I did see my Lucy in a dream the other night. Since losing her, I’ve had many dreams with babies in them, but rarely have I had dreams with Lucy in them. That’s always broken my heart a little. But this time, I am certain it was her. It was a very brief dream, but it gave me so much. In the dream, I think someone handed Lucy to me. She was about a year old, so I held her on my hip. I said something like, “Lucy! It’s you. Let me see your eyes, baby… you’re so beautiful, I love you so much!” I had never had the chance to look into her eyes when she was born, so I have always wondered. She had her daddy’s deep-set eyes, all steely blue. I could see she had my face shape and chin, and a sweet button nose. Her hair was a dark blonde, curling just so around her little ears that looked so much like mine. She tipped her head back with a gleeful laugh, the most beautiful laugh (I have always longed to know what her laughter would have sounded like). She put her little hands on the sides of my face and looked at me, eyes shining. Then it was over, and she was gone. I woke up with a surge of emotion- love, pride, happiness, sorrow, longing. Missing her, yet thankful for a visit. My sweet one year old… I know it was her. So much love.
Right now, I am doing my best to survive this week. It’s definitely turning out to be as hard as I’d imagined, and then some. I’m looking for Lucy’s light, and it’s the only thing getting me through.