The emotions of the heart must be felt. There’s no option to just ignore or fast forward through them, though sometimes I wish I could. Yesterday, Lucy’s ‘Angelversary’, was one of those days in which my heart had a lot to say, but no way to say it. I wanted to write, but couldn’t. I wanted to talk about it, but couldn’t. And so, I just felt my way through Lucy’s remembrance day. It’s difficult with that day immediately following her birthday. Both sad, for similar yet different reasons. I couldn’t sleep Thursday night; insomnia was in full force. I was up well past 4 AM, unable to turn my brain off, powerless to stop the flashbacks from one year ago. I suppose even my body remembers what happened exactly one year prior, and it doesn’t want to forget either. I was totally wired, so I spent some time in the nursery writing in my journal and looking at Lucy’s photo book. I wish I could explain how I was feeling, but it’s truly impossible. Such a mixture of sadness and feeling like a lost, wandering soul. There’s nothing easy about this, nothing at all. Like I said, I am truly at a loss for words, so this is a short post. I just wanted to acknowledge the day, to note that Lucy’s angelversary happened and I survived it.

I also want to note that so many people reached out to let us know they were thinking of Lucy, especially on her birthday. I don’t think I could have gotten through the day well without the love and support. Though I really wish more than anything that we could just have our daughter back, I am thankful that her short life still matters not just to us, but to others as well. In that, we are truly blessed.