My Dear Lucy,

Happy fifteen months, sweet baby. I think today was a worthy homage to you; I spent the day with your Gramma to celebrate her birthday yesterday. We visited our favorite spot at Lake Michigan and I wrote your precious name in the sand. We talked about you a lot; wondering what you’d be like now, what memories we may have been making if you were here. We tried to make some more even though we’re missing you instead.

I did something brave today too. I’m trying to be more courageous and do the things that are difficult or intimidating. I hope that me trying to venture out and live a little more makes you proud. I don’t want to be a shell of a person any longer, but sometimes, it truly is so tough with a piece of my heart (YOU) missing from me. But- I did the thing I’ve been putting off for far too long because I wasn’t sure if what’s left of my heart was going to be able to take it. I met and held baby Jax, Aimee’s little one. He was born the day after your angelversary, and it’s been something I didn’t know if I could do, but I did it today. Your Gramma was right there too, encouraging me and supporting me, and so was Aimee. I haven’t held a baby since I held you, fifteen months ago. He is very active and sweet, just like I believe you would have been. It was healing in many ways, but it also made me realize (again) how much your Daddy and I have been missing this whole time since you’ve been gone. I’m glad I went for the visit, but I’m also sad that things are the way they are. I so wish you were here, being the amazing little person you were meant to be. My heart hurts quite a lot right now, but it’s also mending at the same time. Always a paradoxical existence here without you, my baby girl!

I am always looking for signs of you, and your light keeps shining through in the most unexpected ways lately. Thank you for being my baby. You’re on my mind constantly, and in my heart always. I miss you and I love you Lucy… I love you as much as a human heart can, and then some.

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy