My sweet girl,

Here it is- the day you should be turning two. It’s hard to believe, almost as hard as it is to believe (still) you’re not here. That’s the thing about having lost you, your absence is always noticeable, not just on days like today. Missing yet another milestone with you is heartbreaking, but it’s something I’ve unfortunately come to accept. It isn’t fair, baby girl.

As much as I’m trying not to, I keep vividly remembering everything that happened the day you were born, and not just the good stuff. I wish we could have had more time together that day, but we thought we’d have just that– more time. Meeting you and holding you are still some of the best moments of my life, and they always will be. I have some Mommy Guilt today because I so wanted to make it to the lake to celebrate you like we did last year. We didn’t get there. Growing your little brother has been tough this week, and I just couldn’t get there. I know you understand, but it makes me sad nonetheless. I celebrate you in so many small ways each day, so I’ll do my best to let that guilt go soon; I don’t think you’d want me to hang on to it.

I’ve come to accept more things about our situation. I’ve accepted that sometimes, only I get to share certain magical moments with you. Moments that no one else could understand or even need to understand. There’s no more wondering if this or that is a sign from you- I know they are, and I accept that I no longer need to question it. There are many things in this life that are beyond explanation, and I’m okay with that now. You give me a lot to work with, sweetheart. For that, my heart will always be grateful. We may be separated by time and a different dimension, but nothing can ever sever the bond we have as mother and child. That’s something time can’t destroy. I will never stop wondering who you might have been had you lived, but I can also accept that you’re never far from me. You’re part of me. I’m finding peace and comfort in that, and I believe you’re responsible for it. I know that I won’t be able to help feeling heartbroken and sorrowful from time to time because I’ll never quite get over you, but I also know that’s okay. My heart recognizes you whenever you’re near, and you always seem to show up at the right time.

I promise you this, darling Lucy: you’ll never be forgotten. Not for as long as I live. You’ve taught me that love is the most powerful force and that it can move us through life. I’ll always keep that knowledge in my heart and live by that philosophy. The love I cannot give to you here as your earthly mommy, I promise will be shared with others. Though I still feel I’ve lost so much by losing you, I’ve also come to realize that I’ve gained some incredibly important lessons from you. I’ll carry them, and you, in my heart for the rest of my days. I love you so much Lucy, today and every day.

Happy Birthday, sweet baby.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

Photo by Stephanie McCabe on Unsplash