Today is a rough one. Lucy would have been one month old today. I should be taking a photo of her one month milestone and sharing her unbelievable cuteness with the rest of the world; we should be marveling at each adorable yawn and smile, laughing about diaper duty and sleeplessness. We should be wrapped up in being her lucky parents. Instead, we have an urn of her ashes in a goddamn curio cabinet. I feel so angry, I just want to rage, to scream scream scream scream scream SCREAM until the everything explodes. I feel like I am quickly approaching the edge of madness, and I am ready to just jump. But there’s no getting out, there’s no escape. I have to live this, I have to live through this without her. Somehow, the Eagles’ Hotel California popped into my head today and I realized that this grief is much like the hotel: “You can check out any time you like, but you can NEVER leave”. I can never leave it’s, it’s with me for eternity. Oh there might be little breaks here and there, but I will inevitably find myself back in the thick of it again and again and again. No escape. Each day is a different variation of the ocean, the waves changing from hour to hour or day to day… today it’s a harsh tempest, a hurricane. There is a darkness that wants to cling to me, to hold my thoughts hostage. I see now how things like this can make people bitter… the anger is easier to feel than the unbearable heartache. I have promised to not let this make me bitter, but better… I will make good on that promise… I am trying so hard.