It’s been a month. The worst month of my life. The ebb and flow of grief for me has been so tiresome for my soul. I miss my baby every moment of every day. They say the amount of grief is comparable to the amount of love, and I have oh so much love for our little Lucy Rose. I just miss her. I was so angry yesterday evening… that has ebbed just a bit, but only to be replaced with more sadness.

Yesterday when I went to an appointment and to the store, Chris condensed all of the baby items scattered about the house and put them in the nursery. I was relieved when he did this, though I felt a surge of sadness at the same time. The door to what was supposed to be Lucy’s room stands open all day, though I think I may need to close it soon. I swear I hear sobbing and screaming in my brain every time I look at the empty crib. It hurts. The only occupant of the room now is the cat, which has bothered me from the start. All through the pregnancy it drove me crazy, that cat exploring the room, sitting on the changing table, and taking up residence in the brand new glider chair. Now I feel like somehow he desecrates a sacred space that was meant for our baby, putting his footprints and fur all over everything, and I want him out. I don’t throw him out only because Chris loves his cat, but it bothers me all the same. It might just be easier to take a stand and shut the door.

Chris left for a while today to go prep for his return to the classroom tomorrow, and I went in to Lucy’s room and sat on the floor and cried for a bit. I guess I needed a few minutes to let the tears flow and think again about all that will never be. Part of me is truly anxious and upset about Chris returning to work tomorrow… I am going to be faced with these kinds of feelings all day on my own. I have to really push myself to leave the house, because in public I feel so vulnerable and out of my element. I only want to be at home, but when I am at home, I become so restless and the emotional rollercoaster resumes its course. It’s so strange, there are moments when I feel like I’m okay, I can handle this and I know it’s all going to get better eventually; then it shifts its course and I am suddenly not okay. Not okay in the sense that I cannot control my emotions and all I want to do is breakdown and cry. And often, that’s just what I do. I know I need to feel all of this, it’s part of the journey, but it is truly exhausting. There really is no easy way to travel this road.

I’ve taken steps toward therapy with a psychologist who specializes in grief situations like mine, and I am hoping it helps. Without outside help, I feel like I continue to take steps backward and I’m just losing my footing. It almost seems like grieving the loss of Lucy gets harder every day, certainly not easier. All I can think about is her. I continue to do things around the house to keep busy, I think about work (and almost look forward to when I can return), etc., but I don’t have anything much going right now that takes my mind off of this situation. Social media, I’ve decided, is so detrimental to any progress I could potentially make, and I know that continuing to browse through it throughout the day is only making things worse. It only makes me sad right now to see everyone else living their happy lives, and it kills me when suddenly everyone is posting photos of babies and little kids.I know that will likely change eventually, but as of now, there’s no escaping the things that make me hurt. I’ve even had to unfollow some of the loss groups I joined, because I just get so overwhelmed that there is so much of this unbearable hurt in the world. I still have faith that things will get better. I do still have hope for my future, and I know that things will change. However, going with the ebb and flow of this torment as I am now is just so hard. I feel like I’m just stuck in limbo. I haven’t been given the go-ahead by the doctor to exercise yet, which doesn’t help my frame of mind, and everything I’m feeling is so raw. It’s like I’m just stuck in a holding pattern of sadness and restlessness, and I’m making no progress and getting nowhere. Dare I say that I wish a little more time would hurry by so I can keep moving forward? I will always miss my baby girl, I will always have a void in me… but, she will always be in my heart, and I know I will eventually need to give myself permission to continue forging ahead. It’s just so hard to feel anything else but heartache right now.