Chris went back to work yesterday, and I was left filling up the day with things to do and keep myself occupied with. It started out with me having anxiety dreams about Chris leaving me in some way… logically I know this is not happening, but I know it’s rooted in the new fear of losing what matters most to me. Losing Lucy has been horrific, and now I know it’s making me fear losing more. My heart couldn’t handle it if I lost Chris too. Grief definitely has a way of holding one a prisoner in so many ways.

Yesterday I read a “Motivational Monday” post on Facebook by a person I went to high school with, and the message was “are you going to let life’s lessons make you bitter or better?”. I needed that reminder yesterday more than I realized. This is something I’ve already said about going through this hell of losing our sweet baby… I will do my best to come through this better, not bitter, in order to honor Lucy. That helped my perception of things so much.

I decided that for now, I need to keep the nursery door closed. While I am at home alone, I pass by Lucy’s room a dozen times a day or more, and I look in and it all feels like it hits me all over again. Sometimes I’ll wander in and touch her things, which is okay, but it can go on all day which I’m seeing isn’t so great for me all of the time. Plus, when the door is open, our (Chris’s) cat (who really can be rather devious) is in there, and it bothers me right now for him to be on the furniture in there. I don’t know why, it just does. Closing the door (for now, just for a while) seemed to help. I plan now to devote some specific time to Lucy every day, to talk to her, and spend time thinking about her specifically. When I do this, I light a lavender scented candle (my favorite scent) and keep it lit for a while as I think of her and talk to her. This inevitably makes me cry, but I feel like this is good and okay right now… I need to let the sadness out, and I think simply allowing for it to happen is what I need. And, it might help me later on in the day when I encounter some of the many triggers that pop up. Plus, I feel better when I get some intentional time with Lucy, even though she is on my mind at all times in some way. I am going to try doing this at least once a day and see what happens. Our dog, Waggs, has also been my rock in this down time at home. I now feel okay about walking her, ad my C-section incision heals more. She’s my “therapy dog”, and does an excellent job of keeping me comforted and busy. We walked yesterday in the absolutely perfect weather, and it felt like Lucy was with us, in everything around us. I felt closer to her. It was beautiful. My mom has also been calling or texting on her lunch break, which has been a comfort to me as well. I am thankful to have people who truly care and check in on me, no matter what the circumstance.

I rediscovered a wonderful activity yesterday that I’ve done with my students before. It’s called ‘Blackout Poetry’. You take an old book (one you don’t mind marking up and ripping pages out of) and scan through the words on the page, circling ones that catch your eye or that you can utilize to form a poem. It must go in order through the page, and when you’re finished creating the ‘poem’, you black out the words surrounding those you’ve selected. I connect them and color in the areas around my chosen words. I took the poems yesterday and transferred them into my writing journal, tweaking the poetry here and there as I see fit and recording them in a sort of final draft. I’d forgotten how soothing this activity is, and how it makes your brain focus on what you’re doing. I am hooked. The interesting part about the blackout poetry is that the poetry you produce is dependent on varying factors, like mood, experience, current situations, and the words that happen to be on the page. I was able to come up with some suitable poetry for what we’re going through. I’ve posted a photo of one of the poems I created using this method.

Chris did alright back in the classroom yesterday; the students were relieved and happy to have him back, and it sounds like he was able to get right back in the groove. I know he was worried about me yesterday, and was glad to see that I was doing okay when he got home. Today, he left little notes around the house before he left, which is usually one of my trademark moves (or was… it’s been a while), and he set up coffee just for me. I was able to start the day with a smile and a grateful heart because I have such a wonderful husband. I can’t help but smile when I reflect on the blessings he brings to my life, but at the same time, it makes me incredibly sad because Lucy won’t ever get to experience a life with an amazing Daddy like Chris. I think those kinds of thoughts are going to be with me for the rest of my life.

My goal is to get through the rest of today again in one piece… it’s hard work, but I am doing it for Lucy.