As I sit here in the same spot that I so often had sat to use the computer during my pregnancy with Lucy, I can’t help but feel a void within. I spent so much time planning and dreaming, right here in this very chair, thinking that I knew exactly the path my life was on. Thinking that by such and such date, I’d be doing this or that with Lucy, or Chris would be doing this or that with her… now, there’s just a void. How could we have ever possibly imagined that this would be our reality? We did not plan for her death, we didn’t plan on picking up broken, shattered pieces of our lives and trying to figure out how to survive and move forward. I know we’re already well into our grief journey, braving what is likely the toughest part of it (yes, I know the waves are going to keep crashing and retreating as we go), but it’s still so hard to believe. Our whole lives have been altered forever. I know I’ve typed this before, but sometimes I still just can’t believe it. Our daughter died. It is so hard to understand. We are never going to be the same, for worse and for better I suppose. I feel like I have a completely new identity now. I knew that my life was going to change, I knew that motherhood in itself is a new personal identity, I just never ever thought in a million years that I would be faced with this. I can’t believe how much I miss her and how much a part of me feels as though it is missing. I know that there’s nothing that can be done about it, we can’t change the past, but I wish with all of me that it were different, that she were here, healthy and alive, like she was meant to be. Logic tells me that there’s no fixing it and we just have to keep moving forward, with Lucy in our hearts. It still isn’t fair. I am beginning to feel hope continue to rise with each day that passes; we want the chance to give Lucy a sibling. Lucy could never, ever be replaced, as no child replaces another… but Chris and I want so badly to be able to give more of our love and to raise a child together. I continue to hear stories from people who’ve experienced the ultimate loss like us who’ve gone on to have other children, and that that helps to fill a small part of the void left in the wake of child loss. This gives me a lot of hope. I know that I will never get over Lucy because there simply is no “getting over” a lost child, and it may well shape the kind of parent I may go on to be… but I do hope that we have the opportunity again and that I can be good at it. I know that another future journey through pregnancy will be terrifying at times, but I fear that if we don’t try, the void from losing Lucy will never lessen. How I wish she were here, she was so wanted and so loved… I can’t believe she isn’t. I can’t believe that this is the reality we’re looking at. BUT- as I’ve said before, I know I owe it to my sweet girl to try my best to live life well, for both of us. I just hope I can still make her proud.