Tomorrow, I’m embarking upon an impromptu road trip with a very kind acquaintance. It’s unlike me to do a lot of spontaneous things, but in keeping with the idea of trying to be open to things, I accepted the invitation. Shelly is mom to two of Chris and my former students, someone I’ve interacted with often since I’ve worked in our school building. After each conversation I’ve had with her, I always thought it’d be neat to get to know her more. She is very genuine, funny, and such a sweet person. In fact, she reminds me a lot of one of my dearest friends, Aimee. Shelly wrote to me and said that her oldest son was home for a college visit and they got to talking about how they wish there were something they could do for Chris and me because it’s just so sad and unfair. He wishes he could do something, but doesn’t know what to do; Shelly felt the same way. Long story short, Shelly takes a road trip each year to reflect, experience somewhere new, take photos, and to find peace for a bit. Her sister has experienced a loss like we have, and Shelly’s been very impacted by it; her niece passed around this time of year and so she also goes on this trip to ponder and reflect upon that. She invited me to go along for the ride for sight seeing and conversation. Our destination is M-22 in Northern Michigan with an overnight pit stop in Buckley, MI. The leaves are absolutely beautiful, so it will be a super scenic tour with lots of photo ops and we’ll make a quick trail stop at the Sleeping Bear Dunes. I am excited about the opportunity to get to know someone that I admire better and I know that she will have lots of great insight, life lessons, and encouragement to offer.

Now… for the nitty-gritty of some of what I face in my daily life now. Since losing Lucy, I’ve developed some crazy anxiety. This is not by any means a constant anxiety, but it often comes along with situations that are either unfamiliar, involve being in close proximity to newborns, or are unpredictable. I can say that I have learned to handle it well, but sometimes it pops up at silly times. Like this little road trip, for instance. Everything is fine, I know it’s going to be a totally fun and worthwhile experience, one I know I’ll be glad I had. However, as tomorrow approaches, I’ve been feeling a little more anxious. Some of that anxiety is already dissipating, but it’s still there. I think mostly because this is a little out of my typical comfort zone. But maybe I don’t even know what my comfort zone really is anymore because I’ve been so changed by this loss. SO, I’m doing this like I’ve been learning to do everything else lately- do my research, give myself a pep talk, and get on with it. I have already experienced the worst, so I can handle anything else. Especially positive stuff, whether it’s unfamiliar or not. I looked up our route, the Air bnb we’re staying at, and I’m fine. The only sticking point that my emotional brain is getting hung up on is that I’ll be away from Chris overnight.

**Timeout for a moment.** Scanning back through my previous posts, I realize that I haven’t really said much about Chris and I and how we’re doing as a couple. I can say with certainty that our situation has thankfully brought us closer. We communicate well, we support each other, we look after each other. We hug more than we ever did before. We always say what we really mean now. I know that Chris has been bearing more of a burden because he’s the stronger one… I can truthfully say that I don’t know how in the hell I’d get through this without him or if we weren’t as strong as we are together. He is my rock. Every single day, I am amazed by him. I know that we love each other so much and that we are okay because we have each other. Though our lives have been turned upside down and inside out, the things that have always been ‘us’ are all still there. The foundation of our relationship is solid and unshakeable. I know that not all couples who’ve lost a child are as lucky in that arena; I don’t know if I would have been able to cope if we were not. It’s been a long, long time since we were apart for a night (in fact, I can’t remember when… maybe before I moved in over 4 years ago?), so I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep! It will be weird, that’s for sure, but I think we can handle it. He’s totally encouraging me to go with Shelly and thinks it will be good for me. I have so much love in my heart for that man… he is the best husband I could ever have imagined. Pair that love with the love I have in my heart for Lucy, and that’s a whole helluva lot of love! The love outweighs the pain I feel, and as long as I can continue to remind myself of that, it’s going to be okay.

I should share too that Chris and I made it a point to spend some time together doing what we like to do, so we went out to brunch at this great little place a few towns over and enjoyed the drive together. It was a happy little bit, and I’m surprised to find that there have been more pieces of happy scattered here and there. I will count those moments as blessings in the midst of this fog. There’s always more love.

I’ll update about the road trip when I get home!