No matter where I go or what I do, she is with me every step of the way. This morning, I’m in a reflective mood as I sit here watching the flame of Lucy’s candle dance along playfully. My mind has become a busy place… I can think a thousand different thoughts in the span of mere seconds. Naturally, the majority of those thoughts are connected to my Lucy. I’ve found that the knowledge that she’s with me in everything I do to be a comfort, and this helps me to accept that time has moved along a bit and it’s okay to do the same. The remembering and loving of Lucy is always going to be there, right alongside the sadness that comes from missing her… I know that there is no danger in my ever forgetting my sweet baby. She’ll always be with me.
I’ve reached a point where I am having good days again. At first, I felt bad about this, as if I was betraying Lucy somehow, even though logically I knew it wasn’t true. Is every day a good day? NO, but there are more of them mixed in and they aren’t as shocking to me as they were. I know that going on to find some happiness and enjoying things is really another way for me to honor Lucy. That’s easier said than done, of course. I know that there are some very challenging things ahead in the near future (ahem, the holiday season, just to name one…), and for those things, I’m just going to handle them in the ways that feel right to me, without giving myself a mega guilt trip. People will either understand or they won’t. I know I need to just keep going with what feels right.
Speaking of increasing good days and such, I should give a quick update on the mini road trip up north. I am so glad that I went. The scenery alone was so healing… I cannot believe just how beautiful the state I live in is. Pure Michigan! I saw reminders of Lucy in all of the beauty around me. It was great to connect with a new friend and get to know her better. There was a steady flow of good conversation and it was easy to just ‘be’. It took my mind off much of the heavy sadness I’ve been carrying around, and reminded me again that it is okay to laugh and feel happy when those things appear in front of me. I won’t lie and say it was easy to be away from Chris and the comfort zone of home… it wasn’t. I missed him and was truly happy to arrive back at home, but I’m glad that I took the opportunity to go on a mini adventure. It has helped my perception of things; I realize more now that I am strong and I can handle anything that comes my way from here on out. I’m sure that feeling is likely to ebb and flow like my grief, but overall, I feel that I’ll manage things with a greater ease than I ever did before. After you’ve been through the worst hell you can imagine, everything else is easier, right? I have one week left before I return to work, and I am going to keep that concept in mind if/when things become stressful. Inevitably, with teaching in the current education system, there will be stress. BUT- I can handle it. Everything else will seem easier to me now than what Chris and I have been through. I will say that I’m looking forward to getting back to feeling a sense of purpose through my work, though I will have to be much more intentional about setting time aside to reflect and ‘spend time’ with Lucy. Back to ‘teacher me’… once again, it’s so strange how nothing has changed, yet everything has changed. It’s likely to be a crazy ride, but having Lucy constantly in my heart will hopefully allow me to face it gracefully.
Inspiration Point
Lucy’s name in the sand on the beach at Betsie Point Lighthouse.
The view from the trail near Sleeping Bear Dunes
Near Sleeping Bear Dunes