I can’t believe it. Already, the holiday frenzy is upon us. I am going back to work in a week. Holy heck, really… already?? It has all come about so fast.

I had a rough moment earlier today when I spoke with Chris about Halloween. I’m not in the spirit of any of the holiday hoopla this year, I know this already. So sad that until now, Halloween has always been my favorite. Not so much now, as I imagine the cute, cuddly costume Lucy would likely be decked out in this Halloween, if everything had gone as planned. Probably would have been a cute little bumbly honeybee… Daddy’s a beekeeper, it only would have made sense… she had all of those cute little bee socks that more than one person got for her, it was only totally perfect. Oh, it’s so wrong that she isn’t here for this. Because of these images that flash before me, I don’t want anything to do with Halloween… it’s just too sad and too tough. I can’t get away from the images of our adorable little Lucy all dressed up in a cozy baby costume. Anyway, Chris mentioned that we should have candy on hand, just in case we have some trick-or-treaters, and my first response was, “hell no, let’s leave the light off, and they’ll know to stay away”… but, Chris is more logical than me, and felt it was the right thing to do, in case some students show up or something. I cannot believe what a curmudgeon I feel I’ve become when it comes to the holidays…. but dammit, maybe I’m justified this year. I just can’t bear it. I think ahead to Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I can’t even entertain the thoughts. I honestly want absolutely nothing to do with them. Nothing at all. It’s too much. I was so prepared for the new significance that a new baby would have added to the holidays, and now, nothing else can compare. I am declaring a no-holiday Holiday season already. So be it. Ugh.

I return to work in one week… really, already? I think I’m ready for my mind to have more to function for, but I’m also a little anxious. My mind now has time to think about Lucy whenever it wants to… going back to the classroom will simply not allow for that. Does going back mean that I will not be able to think of my sweet girl as often as I need to because there’s so much more to consider? If so, is that a good thing or a bad thing?? I am honestly looking forward to having more things to occupy my time, to have a renewed sense of purpose. I have been struggling lately with feeling a sense of purpose and take some comfort in returning to the former things that made me feel useful and productive before the much anticipated role of ‘mommy’ became my main focus. OH to be a mommy… but that was not to be, not yet I guess. So I return to the former principle role of ‘teacher’, and hope that can be enough for now.

As time keeps on creeping, I seem to find myself asking, “Really, already??” . I can’t believe that time keeps going on even though it seems to have stopped for me. Really, almost three months already?? Hard to believe. Hard to grasp that really, time has moved on already… and it will keep creeping along, regardless of what I do with it. I am embracing yet fighting the images that continue to come to me (whether I want them to or not) when it comes to imagining my sweet Lucy… it’s so hard to continue on without her, yet somehow I keep finding that we are doing it anyway. I end this post with the same idea I’ve ended several others with… I miss my baby, oh I miss her.