Halloween. Not ‘Happy’, just… Halloween. Today hurts more than I thought it would. All I can think about is life in the parallel universe that exists in my mind and heart. In that parallel universe, it’d be a fun, exciting day and I’d probably have Lucy dressed in a sweet little fuzzy honeybee costume, ready to go show her off to the world. I imagine we’d have gone up to the school first, to visit with Mindy our school secretary, and then buzz by Daddy’s classroom, maybe leaving candy behind for the students. We’d probably take a little road trip to visit with all of Lucy’s wonderful Grandmas, posing for pictures, and we’d all ooh and ah over how stinkin’ cute she is. There’d be sweet photos on Facebook and Instagram of her adorableness. We’d probably get home in time for a little nap and Daddy would be home soon after, we’d get dinner together and happily await the potential trick-or-treaters with the porch light on.

Instead, I am here alone, wishing for something that will never be, with tears in my eyes, a headache, and a broken heart. And this is only the beginning of the holiday season. I want to leave the porch light off tonight.

But, I’ll find a way to make it through this day, just as I have for the past 82 days.

Happy Halloween, Lucy, my sweet little honeybee. I love you so much.