Yesterday was hard, but today is easier. I woke up and almost felt myself heave a sigh of relief. Halloween is over. Last month, on the first, I was having a hard time because suddenly it was even more glaringly obvious that time keeps moving us away from our moments with Lucy. I think on this day, November 1, I am simply feeling some relief because Halloween is over. Of course, there’s the ‘Halloween hangover’ to contend with, which consists of all of the adorable little children in their adorable costumes in all of the adorable Halloween photos all over Facebook and Instagram. I know I would have done the same thing if Lucy had been here for her first Halloween experience, so I do not fault those parents for doing so. I do however, fault my own weakness of looking at the damn pictures in the first place, knowing that it would sting. I finally asked myself, “What the hell am I doing?” and promptly closed down Facebook. Might need to disconnect for a day or two until the hoopla dies down. And, in thinking of that, I breathe another sigh of relief. I have to protect my heart when I can. The only babies I could stand looking at are those I know to be rainbow babies, from a couple of the blogs I’ve been following. I find comfort in following the stories of other women who’ve been where I’m at and go on to have another child. It’s been my intention for some time to link to a few of those blogs by the way, so I’m going to do that now.
Still Born and Still Breathing
Each of these women have been an inspiration to me, and I read everything I possibly could on each of their blogs as quickly as possible. The first site I stumbled upon was Lindsey Henke’s Still Born and Still Breathing, and I couldn’t get enough of it… I was so devastated, and her message of hope was really something I needed at the time (and still do). I’ve also started reading her PALS (Pregnancy After Loss Support) site (link here), and find inspiration there too… I hope to be a PAL mom in the near future. Amanda’s As Long As I’m Living blog is one I found just a few weeks ago, right around the time she was anticipating her rainbow baby. Again, I went ahead and read everything she’s written and was happy when her little rainbow boy was born. It gives me hope that I too will be in that position at some point. I truly have been inspired by her story, and reading about her continuing experience has done my heart a lot of good. The Reluctant Aviator blog also comes from a loss mom, Janice, who’s just recently had her rainbow baby as well. Again with that whole sigh of relief thing… when I read the words of these women, I breathe a sigh of relief because there’s proof that we can and will get through this, and that there’s the potential of a rainbow in our lives too. Danielle is a loss mom who writes her blog, Jensen Grey- His Story, to process her grief and honor her son; I’ve found a lot of comfort from her perspectives as well. I do hope that someday, my blog might help even one person to see that there is hope, that this can be survived and joy can coexist with grief.
Another sigh of relief I’ve exhaled has been for returning to work next week. Now, I realize even now that I might come to refute this after getting back into the thick of it all, but for now, I am feeling okay about it. The upside is that there will be routine and purpose again in my daily life, meaning that I won’t have time during the day to wallow in the depths of my grief… but the downside is exactly that too. There is no time for reflection or grief in the classroom because everything moves so quickly and is so fragmented. It will also be a loud reminder that life moves on, and there’s no stopping it. I don’t believe I would have been emotionally and mentally prepared to go back to work any sooner than now. I know that it’s been a huge advantage to me to be able to take this time, as not everyone gets that luxury. I think I’m ready. I feel that I’ll have a different attitude this year; I just need to let some things go and realize that it’s okay to be imperfect, and okay to relax. Already, I’m starting the mantra: “I can do this. I can do this because I’ve already been through the worst.”
So, for today, I will continue to try to breathe these sighs of relief, make some more lesson plans in the online gradebook, and try to be kind to myself. All I can do is just take one day at a time and get through each one as well as I can, with Lucy safe in my heart.