This morning, after a quiet night last night with two of our friends and an out-of-the-ordinary February bonfire in the backyard, I washed our wine glasses and put them back in the cabinet. There was a small stack of envelopes and random little papers stuck inside along the edge, probably put there to prevent our crazy cat from chewing or tearing them up. I started sifting through them and ran across the photo (see below) my mother-in-law gave to us. I remember this, it must have been maybe a couple weeks before Lucy arrived, at Chris’s parents’ house. I think we’d gone over there so Chris could tend his bee hives he keeps at his parents’ house, or maybe it was to help his dad with something in the workshop (hence the shorts and work boots). We were getting ready to leave, and my Mother-in-law wanted to snap a few pictures. I was reluctant because all I could think about in that moment was how I wasn’t wearing any make-up, hadn’t done my hair, how swollen my feet were, and how very tired and full-term pregnant I was. In spite of that, it ended up being this silly belly comparison photo, both of us giggling and feeling a bit more excitement/nervousness that our little lady was soon to arrive and change our lives. What I didn’t know then, that I do know now, was that I was still beautiful, that I shouldn’t have been self-conscious, that I should have been embracing every precious moment with my sweet baby safe within me… Oh what I wouldn’t give to go back to some of those moments. Moments when we still had our Lucy, our innocence, and everything we’d ever wanted. I couldn’t have known that the small moments, like the one in the picture, would be all I’d have left to cling to in the near future.

I sat down and had a good cry after stumbling upon the photo. I wished again in vain that we’d had the outcome we expected, that things were different than they are. I know how lucky I was to have carried Lucy for her whole life, and that nothing will ever change the fact that she is my daughter and that I will always love her. I also wished that we’ll have the chance to pose for a silly pregnant photo again someday with a sibling for Lucy. I suppose those are things that I think daily, and that hope is something I continue to try to nurture. I am trying to look ahead and embrace Lucy’s light in all of the good things that still remain. It has become easier to see the good things in my life, especially when I look at them as small gifts from my Lucy. The days are getting easier, six months into this journey, but the waves still crash over me and take me by surprise. I’ve embraced those waves of sadness as something that will always be a part of my life, just as Lucy will always be part of my life.

Wishing for this moment back again…