Today at work, I was trying my best to NOT have a grief meltdown. During my prep period, the tea was too hot to drink, the deep breathing wasn’t working, and there was no good place to cry. The internet radio was on, and a song called “Cecilia and the Satellite” played… my favorite lyric is “For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.” (Of course she was, of course she is .) That always reminds me of Lucy, which in that moment, was both good and bad. I was also in my principal’s office for a spell, talking to her about next year’s schedule, and was greeted with a 9 month milestone photo of her baby that took up one entire screen of her double-screened computer. Stab, sting, pinch. Ugh. I know that it was merely circumstance, and of course it’s only natural for her to have photos up of her sweet baby. But it’s those types of things that make me miss my Lucy even more.

It all made me feel even more uneasy and vulnerable. I have been on such uncertain ground this week; I just feel extra unsettled for some reason. I can’t quite put my finger on it, it’s just harder suddenly. Deep breathing can only go so far, hot tea can only help so much… instead, I needed to keep my crap together because within minutes, I knew I’d have a room full of students again. Sometimes, missing Lucy is excruciatingly difficult, and grief sucks. Having to pretend it’s all okay is just as tiresome as the grieving part. I just miss my baby, dammit.