This will be a short post on this quiet Sunday evening, but I want to take a moment to share what I am grateful for on this day.

First, I am grateful for the feeling of “okayness” that has been with me since Friday evening. Feeling okay is like some sort of foreign feeling that I am simply not used to anymore. I feel okay. I am always feeling the loss of my sweet Lucy somewhere in my mind and heart at all times, but I am learning that I can also feel okay and be in a good mood at the same time. Some contentment and happiness has moved into my soul alongside the hurt and grief. It is almost unsettling, but it is progress and it is real.

I am also grateful for the waves of love I have been overcome with for both Lucy and Chris. I am so in love with my wonderful husband, and I know how truly lucky I am in that aspect. I waited a long time to find a wonderful man like him, and he is all I dreamed of in a spouse. I am thankful for our solid, unshakeable connection and for the way he has stood by me through this storm of grief. I love and am loved… this is truly a gift.

I am grateful for my students. Even though work has been very tough since my return for various reasons, it has also had its rewards. I have wonderful students, and a handful of them have been absolutely critical to my progress these past few months. I have had several students go out of their way to acknowledge Lucy and Chris and I’s grief; several have done as much for my healing as family or my closest friends. It is beautiful to know that I must have had some positive impact on them, and that they want to return that. I am unsure of exactly how to thank them, but I will find a way to share with them my gratefulness for their kindnesses. I have been blessed with them in my classroom, in my life… I see Lucy in them so often. I received an uplifting message about hope from one of them on Friday, and it’s made me realize that while teaching can be so tough, especially in my grief state of mind, it is also so inspiring.

I am grateful for our sweet dog, Waggs… she has been our comic relief, our laughter, our comfort. We are lucky to have such a great pup. She has kept us active and accountable!

I am grateful for my health. I push it out of my head so often, but I know that I almost lost my own life when we lost Lucy… I know I must and should be grateful that I am still here. I owe Lucy that much, at the very least, and I want to continue to be healthy and thrive and make her proud. I am feeling optimistic about being able to carry a sibling for our precious Lucy… my health is obviously a necessity for that… I am so grateful that time will allow for us to carry another baby. I remain hopeful, so hopeful, that we will be blessed with a Rainbow.

Though it has been so, so indescribably difficult these past months, I know that I am making progress, and that I am making my little girl proud. I continue to try, I continue to believe. I am feeling Lucy’s light today…

A sweet post-it note from one of those incredible students I was talking about…