My dearest Lucy,

Happy 8 months, sweetheart. I have felt you often today, through ‘our’ songs on the radio in the little patch of time I had to play it in the background at work, through the heart that Steph gave me, the hugs from a couple of students, in the shape of the clouds, the odd sense of calm that came over me immediately after feeling so overwhelmed and panicked at work… you were there. You’re always there, I think.

There has been a bit of time in these past months in which I think I lost my way from you, just a little. The feeling of drifting away from you is terribly frightening, because I simply cannot lose you in more ways than I already have. The funny thing about life is that it is always changing, always bringing with it ups and downs and things that cloud one’s view of what’s really important. It hurts me so much to know that even with the difficulty that all the natural chaos of life brings, you don’t get the chance to experience it. It’s not fair, and it will never settle well with me. Months ago, I longed to end my own life to join you in death… I won’t deny that any longer… but I knew that it wasn’t a choice for me. I knew that my love for you and your Dad, and everyone else who cares for me was going to keep me here, whether I wanted that to be the case or not. I know now that I lost sight of the big picture in all of the immense pain that has come with losing you. What I am seeing clearly again is that love is the single most powerful force in the universe. Love saved me. Love wins for us. I am finally starting to recognize parts of myself again, and I feel myself growing stronger each day. I have felt weak for quite some time, but I’m getting my stride back, little by little. I have a lot of living to do, for both of us. I promise to do my best to do it right. I search for new ways all the time to keep your memory very much alive. I refuse to ever let you become a distant memory, baby girl. I am looking forward to starting your garden in a few weeks, and your Daddy surprised me the other day by talking about things he wants to do to create your garden too. We plan to plant lots of things that will bring your dragonflies and butterflies near, and I have already gotten lots of pretty decorations just for you. I can’t wait to get started, and I know you’ll be with us the whole time.

Your Mommy has come a long way. I still have a long way to go, and some days without you are so incredibly hard still, but I am learning how to keep going no matter what. Sometimes I feel so scared, discouraged, isolated, and hopeless, and the weight of losing you feels like too much to bear, but then I remember that being your Mommy is something so beautiful and special, and I can continue on. That’s something that time, space, life or death can never change- you are mine, and I am yours. Always. You will always be my precious baby daughter, and I will always love you fiercely. I miss you so much today that it steals my breath away, but I love you more with every breath that I do take.

I love you so much, Lucy.

Love Always,
Mommy