Today has been an interesting day full of little triggers. After a glass of wine, I am able to take a step back and examine the day and what chance has brought to me. The work day was relatively uneventful, as it was another fun-filled standardized testing day. It’s been the time at home that has brought a few unexpected triggers. When I say ‘trigger’, I guess I should specify that a trigger is anything that makes me feel a tad bit vulnerable and makes me hurt more from missing my girl. I arrived home to a package I’d been expecting, a beautiful thing, but an emotional thing. It’s something to honor Lucy and remind others that her light still exists in this world. I was overcome with pride upon seeing it, and feel excited to proceed with the little project Chris and I have in mind for it. I think it triggered my emotions just a bit, in a good way, but any emotion I feel in the wake of Lucy’s passing makes me feel the weight of her loss more. I checked my Instagram, and someone who makes ‘nursing necklaces’ requested to follow me. Nursing Necklaces? Ouch! Just another day in the social media world after a loss. Reminding me that I never got to breastfeed my sweet baby, and that, oh wait, I had to deal with engorged breasts with no baby to nourish. Ugh. Then I checked my email and there was something from Bamboobies and Pregnant Chicken… why again haven’t I unsubscribed to those yet?? I must be a glutton for punishment. Then I did my workout on the treadmill. I’ve been enjoying an escape from reality through watching tv while walking/jogging, and Breaking Bad has been my dark show of choice. The main character’s wife had their baby and the moment that she handed their newborn baby girl to Walter totally annihilated me, because I never had that moment with Lucy… or with Chris. That will always hurt, I think. I miss not hurting. I miss the simplicity of life before, when everything was on track and okay. When my baby was still healthy and thriving. Yesterday I felt strong, but today I feel weak. I guess that’s normal in the life of a warrior mama perhaps. Even when I feel weak though, I have come to the conclusion that I am a warrior… I am strong. Otherwise, how in the hell could I be doing this? Lucy gives me strength.

This was somewhat of a random thought sort of post, but I guess what’s happening is that I am coping with the triggers better than I was before. I am gaining strength with each day that passes, I am becoming better, I am becoming more myself, whatever that self may be. I am almost beginning to think that my sweet little Lucy might have reasons to be proud of her Momma…