I haven’t been a very active writer this month, either here or in my journal. Life is simply too busy again, and there’s hardly any time to slow down and reflect. I’m having a tough time with that lately. This time of the school year is ridiculous already, and adding grief denial to that seems like a nice recipe for disaster. I am aching to take a mental health day to catch up on my self-care, but there just isn’t a time that I can do that until we reach summer. I keep trying to look ahead, but all I can see is what’s directly in front of me, nothing else. That kind of short-sighted vision is leaving me to feel absolutely overwhelmed, and a little bit hopeless. I am certainly trying to stay optimistic, and remind myself frequently that Lucy’s light is all around me.

A lot has happened since Easter, though with the current near-sightedness in my life, it’s hard to remember it all. So many things have become a blur. I feel guilty for not recording all that is good in my life these past few weeks- and there truly is a lot of it- but it’s interwoven still with hurt, sadness, and struggling hope, so I don’t always find myself feeling those joys fully. I am looking forward to having more than just a few minutes to share the things that are making me happy (most of them have to do with our sweet Lucy)… I promise to get to them soon.

In the mean time, I suppose I am staying afloat, and I am surviving. As the nine month mark nears, Mother’s Day is also lurking around the corner, and I can feel myself tense up whenever I think of it. I am allowing myself grace when I need it, and I’m still going to allow myself a free pass when it comes to all things bereaved mother related. It’s a hard road, and unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to have gotten any easier, I’ve just somehow gotten stronger. One thing is always certain: I miss my baby girl. No matter how busy life gets, she is always at the front of my thoughts.