My dearest Lucy,
On this particular Easter Sunday, I am imagining you in an adorable little outfit, your Daddy and me posing with you in a picture, big goofy smiles on our faces, a basket of plastic eggs all askew… an image burned into my brain as if it were a moment the three of us truly lived in together. Cue reality, and I find myself blinking back a couple stinging tears, realizing yet again that we’ve been sentenced to a lifetime without you. Living without you, like this, is worse than anything I could have dreamed of in a nightmare.
My thoughts continue to go back to Easter 2016, when we announced to everyone that Baby O. was a little girl named Lucille Rose. Even though I was still getting over that terrible sinus infection (remember all of that coughing that bounced you around, night after night?), I was so excited for everyone to open those plastic eggs up to see if the candy and plastic grass was blue or pink. Today, I avoided any contact with plastic Easter eggs at all. It would have been too much, too sad, too hard. I dodged anything and everything today that had anything to do with the Easter traditions that my side of the family has created over the years, because it just hurts. It hurts that you couldn’t be there, that you’ll never be there for that. I couldn’t bear to watch the other sweet little kids in our family have an egg hunt, not when we should have been toting you around in it too. I couldn’t imagine taking a bite of picnic food because you weren’t there to get a taste of any of it. I couldn’t think about sitting around the campfire chatting with the family because you wouldn’t be there to warm my lap or belt out some baby giggles. Every holiday brings with it the longing for you, and right now, I just have a hard time making myself be a part of it. The milestones, important moments, and holidays are so painful without you, little one. I know that someday it might be easier, but right now, the joy is hard to feel. I miss you all the time, but especially on days like today.
Though you are missing from me, you are never, ever far from my thoughts. My love for you is as big as the universe and grows stronger each day. You are still the most important thing in my life, on the special days and the regular days. You’re always in my and your Daddy’s hearts, no matter what. I love you, precious baby. Happy Easter.
Love Always,
Mommy