Sometimes I feel like nothing I do matters at all. Sometimes, it feels like my story is just another little blip on the radar. Sometimes, most times, I truly do not want to get out of bed in the morning. So often, I feel so hopeless, so helpless. I look at the ruin my life has been left in, and I don’t always have the energy to even think about rebuilding it. I’ve lost my friends, I’ve distanced myself from my family, I am nothing but an actress at my job, and truly, I am just a shell of whatever person I used to be. I want our story to matter, but a part of me wonders if it honestly matters to anyone at all. I am lost, sad, and altogether depressed and jaded. I don’t see a light at the end of this. I keep looking for Lucy’s light, but I can’t always find it. Is it all just in my head? Am I making one damn little bit of difference in this world at all? My sweet Lucy must be so disappointed in what her mother has become. I know I am, but I am powerless to stop it. I thought before that I was doing okay, but the repetitive disappointment since Lucy passed has rendered me bitter and angry. I cannot keep pretending to be this beacon of light I wanted so badly to be. For those of you reading this, I’m so sorry, but I just can’t be positive right now. I want to tell you that it gets easier, it gets better, time lessens the pain, but telling you that today would merely make me a liar. It doesn’t get easier, it doesn’t get better, and I think that time only makes this worse. I just hope I won’t always feel this way, but life has taught me that nothing is fair, and that we are meant to suffer. Sometimes, I wish I could just have a break from the pain. I am just so tired of feeling like this.