Hello sweet Lucy,

I am feeling so sad, because I couldn’t get to your fourteen month letter until now. I am so overwhelmed by life right now, mostly by this ridiculous job that I can’t possibly succeed at. It’s taking me away from not only you, but from the other stuff that truly matters in life. I feel like a circus clown lately; all I do is paint on a face to make others smile. None of it is real– I am merely playing a role, a persona, that I am no longer capable of being.

I miss you with all of my heart lately, especially these past few days. I don’t feel anything like myself, and I keep feeling like a failure. Is there any way out? It hurts me to think of who you might be now, at fourteen months old, or who’d you’d be after that. I will forever imagine what life should be like, if only you were here. There’s no making this better… I miss you so much.

I worry that as time goes on, I’m losing my strength… I am no longer who I once was. The most redeeming quality I can come up with right now is that I love with my whole heart, and hopefully, enough people will see that… I have so much to offer (because of your light)… maybe I can keep fighting this fight, and seeing the good. That’s you living through me, Lucy. I am worried though that this isn’t enough. I just miss you so much, and I wish you were here.

No words I can say here will change our situation, but, I do always know that you’ll be a part of my heart forever. I miss you so much, sweet baby. I wish you were here.

I Love You,
Mommy