Hi sweet baby,

We’ve survived another month without you, but you are still missed and thought of constantly, especially by your Daddy and me. I’m sitting here in front of your Christmas tree as I write this, looking at the many ornaments dedicated to you, just wondering what it would be like if you were really here. I’m having a tough time getting excited about the holidays, because they just hurt.  Just like last year, I’m running all of the “should haves” through my mind, and that’s the hardest part. You should be toddling around now, with us making sure you don’t poke your little hands on the prickly Christmas tree, keeping you away from the fire, or watching as you pursue Waggs throughout the house, trying to get ahold of her tail… you should be doing a lot of things. I miss everything we never had together, Lucy, even down to the simplest, everyday things. I always will.

I’ve been having a pretty hard time lately, and I worry daily that I’m not living up to my promises I’ve made to you. I’m trying to crawl up and out of the deep depression I’ve found myself in, but I miss you extra these days, and it’s difficult to push that out of my mind when it sits upon my heart the way it does. But I’m trying, I really am.  It’s time for your Mommy to find her strength reserves and pull herself through this! I know you’re there, rooting me on, encouraging me, showing me the light in all the ways you know how. I love you so much, my little baby, and I know I’ve really got to get on with this living thing, for both of us.

Your Daddy and I are feeling so discouraged that we haven’t been able to give you a younger sibling… we’re starting to wonder what the next step is, but the world isn’t cooperating with us very well. We’ve been trying to do everything we’re supposed to by following the doctor’s orders, waiting for phone calls and all of that, but our patience is wearing thin. All of this on top of missing you the way we do has taken its toll on us. It’s just dawned on me though- I haven’t truly asked for your blessing yet. Would you like to be an angel big sister to a younger sibling? It’s an important honor. We would be so proud to have two beautiful little Orlaske babies. Oh, so many “should haves” here…

A year and four months is a long time to be without the one we love the most. I look back on this time since you took your last breath, and I don’t know how we’ve done it. Some things have gotten easier, but there’s always this tugging and pulling on my heart and the continuous ache of missing you. For as long as I live Lucy, I’ll never truly be able to make sense of what’s happened. You’ll be in my heart and I’ll find you all around me for the rest of my days- that’s a promise to you that I will always keep.

You are never far from me, and I love you so much.

Love Always,

Mommy