Here’s my latest post at Still Standing.
I really struggled with coming up with something I deemed “worthy” to write about for this article deadline. Like I’ve mentioned recently, not only was I struggling with writer’s block, but honestly, I also had nothing much to say. It seems that the writer’s block has since lifted. However, I’m frustrated because there’s never truly anything new to report these days. It’s always more of the same: sadness, frustration, jealousy, anger, disappointment, depression… not to imply that nothing good ever happens (it does), but never enough to balance those scales even a little bit. Chris and I are merely floating right now, and it gets old after awhile. Match all those feelings with job dissatisfaction, secondary infertility, and the holidays, and it’s the perfect recipe for the blahs. Things are just hard, and life’s a bummer right now. It’s been tough to be positive these days, as anyone who reads this blog knows. I haven’t exactly been an uplifting Miss Sunshine. How could I be? I really hate the holidays right now. It just feels like it’s another thing to fake my way through. I’m totally pissed off this season, and I miss Lucy so much; I miss everything that we’re missing, if that makes any sense. The Christmas thing just makes it even more glaringly obvious that life is so unfair… as if we needed another reminder.
Today, thankfully, is a snow day. One of the perks of being a teacher in the Midwest for sure. They’re magical mental health days for us, and they’re meant to be savored. I was joking with Chris earlier about how the only things that really seem to make us happy anymore are days in which we do not have to go to work! I was really feeling the need for a break from being Mrs. O. yesterday. I’m pretty much in the struggle zone all the time, fighting depression and heartache, and then to add to it, yesterday was the 11th, which is our 16 month milestone without Lucy here. I was really feeling the heaviness of it all. And then, to have a few students who act rudely, point out my mistakes (yes, I did accidentally skip #34 on the test numbering and went directly to #35, but it is not a tragedy), and then deal with the unbelievable neediness of the students (what is going on with that lately?! Holy cow)… I just felt like I was going to cave in. I can only put on the smiley face and be teacher/counselor/snack provider/ pseudo-parent/ listener/encourager/cheerleader/ energy giver/ paperwork guru/ “I Can Statement”-writing circus clown for so long. My job is hard, but especially hard when managing the anxiety, grief and depression that accompanies our situation. It makes it hard to be patient and paste on my fake happy face. I’m having a really hard time with it, and I’m not as good at being a teacher as I used to be. One more thing to add to the pile of guilt. So- this Snow Day is so welcome in our world today.
The other day, I promised myself (and Lucy) that I’m going to start taking better care of myself and the things in my life. Back to exercising more regularly, being more aware of my needs and what my body needs, and practicing more gratitude. I’m also working on going a little easier on myself, because I’ve been pretty rough on her lately! Small steps. I can do this. I’ve been so frustrated with the stagnation in my life, and since I can’t change certain aspects of it, I need to work on the changes I can control.