Is my glass half empty or half full right now? Truth be told, I’m not sure.

I am guilt-ridden. I’m expecting a rainbow baby, yet here I am, in a foul, negative space in my head right now.

Logic tells me, ” Jess, you have pregnancy hormones to contend with. You’re overtired. You were just really sick a few days ago. You pulled a late night last night chaperoning a Saturday dance. You’re dealing with crazy anxiety. There are many reasons why it’s okay to feel this way right now.”

My emotional side is saying, ” Jess, you’re terrible. You should be happy every day, all the time, because you are pregnant, just like you’ve been wishing for. Your negativity and anxiety is bad for this baby. Stop failing this baby. Maybe you don’t deserve this opportunity. You’re proving you don’t deserve this by being ungrateful. You aren’t remembering Lucy actively enough. You’re not writing enough. You’re not celebrating your rainbow enough. You’re doing everything wrong.”

Hence the self-inflicted guilt trip.

The emotional side of things is winning out today. I’m exhausted, grumpy, irritable. There’s a lot on my mind, but I feel too tired to process it right now. I can’t think of anything that is going to make me feel better, and I know I’m doing this to myself. I’m not good at allowing myself grace on a regular day, but especially not during this pregnancy after loss. I realize this is a time when I should be kinder to myself, but I just can’t for some reason.

Conflicted is pretty much my constant state right now. I wish I could snap out of it, but there are a lot of factors at play right now that just aren’t allowing me to do so. Take my job for instance. I have to be careful what I write even here, because teachers, no matter what their other life circumstances, are judged differently than others. (So are loss parents, but that’s for another post sometime.) I’ll just leave it at this for now: It is impossible to feel like you’re anything other than some form of failure as a teacher in the current state of public education.  The building I work in is absolutely no exception to that statement right now. Unfortunately, that, coupled with my PAL anxiety, is chipping away at my self-esteem and confidence. I’m doubting my ability to handle all of this. I can’t snap out of this funk, and I’m worried it’s a testament to my inability to be a good PAL mom.

I worry a lot. In fact, I’m downright terrified most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, when I can just think about this precious rainbow baby and the possibility and hope he brings with him, I am calmer. When I think about Lucy, I feel the warmth in my heart that she’s always brought with her too. There’s still good mixed in with the negatives, but it’s hard to hang on to that through the whole day. I’m doing my best, but lately, I just feel like my best isn’t good enough.

Here’s to hoping the weather changes soon, that our upcoming Spring Break will refresh me, and that when we return, I can take teaching a little less seriously and focus on the good a bit more.

Half full or half empty?