I’m ashamed to admit how little time I’ve been able to spend in reflection lately, at a time when I ought to be doing so with great frequency. Time has been a tough commodity to come by these days, and it seems that when I do have a moment or two to sit down and share what’s on my mind, I’m either interrupted, my computer decides to malfunction or update, or I’m simply too tired to record the whirlwind of thoughts swirling through my brain.

As I revealed in Lucy’s 19 month letter, Chris and I have the honor of saying we’re expecting our rainbow at last. There simply aren’t words to express the happiness and hopefulness that this little one has already brought to us.  There have been many moments in which I stop and have to remind myself that it’s real– we’re really pregnant. Though I work through fear and anxiety each day, I’m doing all I can to celebrate this precious little boy growing within me. I truly believe that Lucy had something to do with choosing her baby brother, and I feel her presence with me more vividly. In December, I officially asked Lucy if she wanted to be a big sister (here), and suddenly, what would have just been days later, our little rainbow appeared in our lives. Maybe a coincidence, but I think not.  Some people have already said the phrase, “Looks like God decided it was time.”  Whatever… I think it was a matter of our precious Lucy deciding it was time.

I’m going to do my best to try writing and documenting this special time, because it matters so much to me. It’s been difficult to do that as of late, because my job is truly taking all of my extra energy from me. I worry constantly now about how the stress of teaching is impacting this pregnancy; it’s a legitimate concern. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s only a job, that I can only do what I can while I’m there, but it’s much more complicated than that. I often leave work feeling the heaviness of the day as if someone is standing upon my shoulders. When I arrive home, I’m emotionally and physically spent.  I’m bothered by the realization that it’s robbing me of some of the hope and joy of our situation. I’m working on strategies to manage these feelings, but it’s hard. While I am so incredibly thankful for this opportunity to potentially experience parenting in a different way, it’s true that pregnancy after loss is hard. I worry, and then I worry some more that the resulting anxiety from that worry is having a negative impact on this baby boy. I’m just trying to do be the best mom I can be to this baby, but sometimes, it feels like I’m just not living up to those expectations.

There’s so much more to say, but it’ll have to come out in small segments. We’re 15 weeks in to this rainbow pregnancy, and already I have learned many things. Joy can exist alongside grief. Hope can be stronger than fear. My Lucy is always with me, and she’ll be with me every step of the way through this PAL (pregnancy after loss) journey.