My dear Lucy,

You’ve come up in many different interactions today, sweet girl. Several people have spoken your name aloud to me, not because it’s a milestone day, but just coincidentally. It’s made my heart feel warm just to hear your precious name, knowing that others think of you as I do. I’ve been thinking about you a lot today, not that you’re ever far from my thoughts, but I keep wondering about you. I wonder what you’d be like now, how long your hair might have grown, what your favorite foods would have been, how fast you’d be zooming all over the house, your favorite way to be tucked in for the night. I wonder about it all, just missing you with all I am. I wish you were here. I wish you could touch my belly as your brother grows, learning about what it is to be a big sister… I wonder if your little brother would even be here at all if you had stayed. It’s hard to think about.  Mostly, I just wish I could have both of you earth side. I wish I could really articulate all I need to say, but this will have to be enough for now.

There isn’t a day that passes that you’re not part of in some way. It’s hard to believe it’s been twenty months… nearly two years since you were last with us. Somehow the time has crawled, yet flown by swiftly.  I still can’t believe sometimes that you’re not here. I can’t believe you and your brother will never physically meet.  But, I CAN believe how much I miss and love you more each day. You’ll always be my precious girl. I love you so much, Lucy.

Always and Forever,

Mommy

My sweet Lucy,

It’s been nineteen months now without you, precious girl, but I want you to know that no matter how much time separates us, you are always part of us. No matter how our family changes, you are so loved, and you hold a very important place in our hearts.

I miss you terribly today.

We’ve announced your little brother to the world, and know that you had a very important hand in finding him. In December, I asked you if you wanted to be a big sister and for your blessing. Lo and behold, we found out a few weeks later that you are indeed going  to be a big sister! I don’t think that’s a coincidence, and I know in my heart that you’re happy about all of this. I just wish so, so much that you could be here with us for all of this. Now when I see a family with an older girl and younger boy, my heart feels a new longing and sorrow. I’ve said all along how unfair it is that you’re not here with us, and now there are new reasons for that to hurt more. But no matter what, your Daddy and I know how lucky we are to have your little brother on the way, and you in our hearts. I know you’ll watch over him as you do us. I just wish I could have both of you in my arms.

I have been seeing so many things over the past few days that remind me of you, and have been finding your little signs here and there. I always notice them, and I’ll always treasure them. Like I’ve said, you’re part of me, and always on my mind, sweet baby. Though I miss you like crazy, I feel you close. I love you so much Lucy.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

Hello Sweet Baby,

Today marks your 18 month milestone. It’s been a full year and a half that you should have been growing and thriving here with us. The missing of you hasn’t gotten any easier, but we’ve learned to accept it as a part of ourselves as we go about the business of life. That’s been a very tough piece of living life without you- knowing that it must go on, and that it has gone on. Sometimes it still comes as a shock that the world keeps turning now you’re gone. Yet, you are truly still part of our daily lives. We honor you in lots of little ways, cherishing your memory and the love that still grows larger in our hearts with each day that passes.

I still get what I call “Lucy waves”, where suddenly, as if from nowhere, I am hit with a big wave of missing you. I had one just the other day. Those waves somehow sneak up on me, washing over me with an intensity that immediately chokes me up with tears, and the pain of losing you is fresh and raw again. And then, as suddenly as it arrived, the wave subsides, and I find my strength again. I’ve come to realize that you are my strength, Lucy. My love for you helps me cope and find my way again. You’re with me in my heart, I never doubt that.

Your Daddy and I continue to look toward a future that is better… we know it’s important to live well, for us and for you. It’s not always easy to keep faith in the unknown future… we never know what life will bring (losing you has taught us that), but we’re doing the best we can to believe that better things are coming,  though it breaks my heart that it’s a future you can’t be physically present for. I’ll always wish that you were here with us, not just in our hearts, but truly here. No matter what comes our way, we’ll always be missing a very important piece- you.

Today, my beautiful baby, I feel a smile in my heart when I think of you. You’ve been my most precious gift, and even though I am still so very sad without you, I know that part of you will always live through me. I love you as much as a human heart can, Lucy, and then some. I miss you.

I Love You Always,

Mommy

Hello my sweet baby,

I just want to tell you how much I miss you and  love you. It’s been seventeen months now without you, and sometimes it’s still so hard to believe this is reality. As time keeps passing, I fear that the hustle and bustle of life takes me away from you more every day. I hope that wherever you are, you know that my love for you is endless, and that I am so proud you are my daughter. No matter how busy I am, you are always in my heart and in my thoughts. Things have gotten a little better lately, but it’s never quite right because you aren’t here. I still find myself wondering what you’d be like now, at seventeen months old. I hate that we’ve lost all of it, and there won’t ever be a way to know what could have been. I have so much to say to you, but I simply feel like words aren’t adequate. I think you know anyway, sweet Lucy, because you’re part of me. We’re never truly apart. I’ll keep this note short and simple… I love you little darling, and I miss you with all of my heart.

Love Always and Forever,

Mommy

Hi sweet baby,

We’ve survived another month without you, but you are still missed and thought of constantly, especially by your Daddy and me. I’m sitting here in front of your Christmas tree as I write this, looking at the many ornaments dedicated to you, just wondering what it would be like if you were really here. I’m having a tough time getting excited about the holidays, because they just hurt.  Just like last year, I’m running all of the “should haves” through my mind, and that’s the hardest part. You should be toddling around now, with us making sure you don’t poke your little hands on the prickly Christmas tree, keeping you away from the fire, or watching as you pursue Waggs throughout the house, trying to get ahold of her tail… you should be doing a lot of things. I miss everything we never had together, Lucy, even down to the simplest, everyday things. I always will.

I’ve been having a pretty hard time lately, and I worry daily that I’m not living up to my promises I’ve made to you. I’m trying to crawl up and out of the deep depression I’ve found myself in, but I miss you extra these days, and it’s difficult to push that out of my mind when it sits upon my heart the way it does. But I’m trying, I really am.  It’s time for your Mommy to find her strength reserves and pull herself through this! I know you’re there, rooting me on, encouraging me, showing me the light in all the ways you know how. I love you so much, my little baby, and I know I’ve really got to get on with this living thing, for both of us.

Your Daddy and I are feeling so discouraged that we haven’t been able to give you a younger sibling… we’re starting to wonder what the next step is, but the world isn’t cooperating with us very well. We’ve been trying to do everything we’re supposed to by following the doctor’s orders, waiting for phone calls and all of that, but our patience is wearing thin. All of this on top of missing you the way we do has taken its toll on us. It’s just dawned on me though- I haven’t truly asked for your blessing yet. Would you like to be an angel big sister to a younger sibling? It’s an important honor. We would be so proud to have two beautiful little Orlaske babies. Oh, so many “should haves” here…

A year and four months is a long time to be without the one we love the most. I look back on this time since you took your last breath, and I don’t know how we’ve done it. Some things have gotten easier, but there’s always this tugging and pulling on my heart and the continuous ache of missing you. For as long as I live Lucy, I’ll never truly be able to make sense of what’s happened. You’ll be in my heart and I’ll find you all around me for the rest of my days- that’s a promise to you that I will always keep.

You are never far from me, and I love you so much.

Love Always,

Mommy

My Dear Lucy,

Happy fifteen months, sweet baby. I think today was a worthy homage to you; I spent the day with your Gramma to celebrate her birthday yesterday. We visited our favorite spot at Lake Michigan and I wrote your precious name in the sand. We talked about you a lot; wondering what you’d be like now, what memories we may have been making if you were here. We tried to make some more even though we’re missing you instead.

I did something brave today too. I’m trying to be more courageous and do the things that are difficult or intimidating. I hope that me trying to venture out and live a little more makes you proud. I don’t want to be a shell of a person any longer, but sometimes, it truly is so tough with a piece of my heart (YOU) missing from me. But- I did the thing I’ve been putting off for far too long because I wasn’t sure if what’s left of my heart was going to be able to take it. I met and held baby Jax, Aimee’s little one. He was born the day after your angelversary, and it’s been something I didn’t know if I could do, but I did it today. Your Gramma was right there too, encouraging me and supporting me, and so was Aimee. I haven’t held a baby since I held you, fifteen months ago. He is very active and sweet, just like I believe you would have been. It was healing in many ways, but it also made me realize (again) how much your Daddy and I have been missing this whole time since you’ve been gone. I’m glad I went for the visit, but I’m also sad that things are the way they are. I so wish you were here, being the amazing little person you were meant to be. My heart hurts quite a lot right now, but it’s also mending at the same time. Always a paradoxical existence here without you, my baby girl!

I am always looking for signs of you, and your light keeps shining through in the most unexpected ways lately. Thank you for being my baby. You’re on my mind constantly, and in my heart always. I miss you and I love you Lucy… I love you as much as a human heart can, and then some.

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy

Dear Lucy,

I wish you were here. I wish we were together. I wish you were dressed in a cozy little costume, lighting up this dark and dreary day. I wish you were squirming around in your Daddy’s arms as we take you out visiting. I wish to hear your laughter, to see your eyes shining so bright. I wish these were really memories we’re making, instead of shattered dreams. I wish my heart weren’t broken, I wish that it were whole. I wish for you, my darling, I wish it all the time.

I hope no matter where you are that you’re a happy soul. I hope you realize I’d know you anywhere. I hope you know you’re part of me, no matter where I go. I hope someday that missing you won’t hurt so very much. Mostly, I hope you know how much you’re loved. I hope you feel my heart.

I miss you so much. I love you even more.

Happy Halloween, my sweet little dragonfly.

Love Always and Forever,

Mommy

My Dear Lucy,

Thirteen months, little one, and here we are, into our second year without you. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? Even though I knew better than to believe it before, a part of me thought that maybe this would get easier somehow. It hasn’t. I still miss you with everything I am, and my heart still aches as much as it always has since you’ve been gone. Missing you still hurts, but loving you is what helps keep me together. As together as I can be.

Life is hard right now, and missing you is a daily part of it. Your Daddy and I are back to work for the school year, and back to feeling like there’s never enough time to get anything accomplished. What bothers me most about that is that I have to be much more intentional about setting aside time to take care of myself and to spend time in thought with you. But, as you know, you’re never far from my thoughts.

I had a dream the other night that your Great Grandpa Hill stopped to see me for a visit. Before I could even ask, he told me you were okay… “as cute as can be, and funny too”. I don’t know where you are, but I’d like to think that you’re with Grandpa. He always looked out for me, and I believe he’d be happy to do the same for you. It comforts me to think that wherever you are, there’s a good chance that he’s with you, looking after you a little, loving you as he loved me. In the dream, he mentioned something about a sibling of yours, that they’d be a good one too… I know much of our dreams are manifestations of the things in our minds, but I wonder if maybe that could mean that soon, a little brother or sister may follow you. I guess time will tell, just like it does with everything else. I do wish everything were different though, Lucy. Mostly, I wish you were here.

I’ve had lots of reminders pop up these past couple of weeks that remind me of all that we’re missing with you, and it’s just so heartbreaking every time. Every day brings with it more reasons to wonder, to miss you. I will never stop wondering who you may have been… and even who I may have been had you been able to stay with us. You’re never forgotten, baby girl, not for a moment. I love you more than I could ever express, and time will never tarnish that. I keep looking for, and finding, your light. Mommy loves you.

Always and forever,
Mommy.

My dear sweet Lucy,

Happy birthday, beautiful baby. As always, you are on my mind and in my every waking thought. Though I am so incredibly sad, and missing you more than mere words could say, I am also strangely comforted. I feel you near me today; your sweet energy is reaching me. Even though you aren’t physically here with us, I know you’re here. I believe that you know us and can feel our love for you. That’s the thing about love, isn’t it? It can be felt, no matter what. I can feel yours.

I had so many hopes and dreams for you, my baby daughter. I wish so much that you were still here, living out a beautiful, long, healthy life. It would have been one of many birthday wishes I’d have had for you today. Even so, I still have wishes for you. I hope that no matter where you are, you feel peace and love. I hope you understand that I’d know you anywhere, because our souls will forever know each other. I wish you could know the impact that your short life has had upon the world around us… I have seen so much evidence of that these past few days. You are a gift.

I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at photos of you and of us today. It’s tough to believe it’s been a whole year since we last held you. Those were the most precious moments of my life, and nothing can ever diminish that, nor the love I have for you. I’ve said it already today, but I would choose YOU again and again. Thank you for choosing me to be your mother; it’s the greatest privilege I’ve ever had. You may be my missing piece, but you are also what completes me. I love you so much, and I am always with you.

Happy Birthday, Lucy.

With All of My Heart,
Mommy

You’re in my heart, always.

Your name in the sand

We love you, Lucy.

Just like the waves will never stop kissing the shore, we will never stop loving you, Lucy.

Mommy and Daddy love you!